Use Your Words

This is something kids get told a lot. It's an important skill to learn and get good at. And we're not born with it, not by a long shot. If you're a parent, you're probably used to seeing behaviors that surprise you, don't make sense on the surface, or seem to come out of nowhere. The thing is, in the mind of your child, there's probably a lot going on behind that behavior, and if you can get under the surface, you'll find out what's really going on.

Sometimes emotions are really hard to put words to. They get messy and complicated, and even adults with good emotional intelligence and a way with words can have a hard time expressing them clearly so that someone can understand them. The clues are there, if you look for them and pay attention. In a session with a client, I will often ask them to tell me how their body is feeling as they talk about something that's going on for them. We will talk about feelings in descriptive language, picturesque metaphors, and give it a name or identity outside of themselves. We try on emotion words for suitability and experiment to find something that resonates.

When it's a child, sometimes they haven't learned the words for what they're feeling yet, so they use their behavior to express what their words can't. It's part of being the adult to help them learn the words they need. When they feel heard and understood, the behaviors don't have to be so strong anymore. We watch them, use our empathy, and test the waters of their emotions with them. Sometimes we have to get creative about how we describe an emotion. I remember well when my kiddo needed to learn what "embarrassed" was about. I got the feeling she was at the age where that particular emotion was surfacing, and tried to describe it as something like "you feel bad inside, like someone is picking on you and you want to hide, or you did something wrong and people are looking at you and not liking you." These days, she uses that word often, sometimes seemingly inaccurately, but still, she feels empowered around that emotion. The nuances of meaning can come with time.

It's entirely normal to feel jumbled up, like you've got a big wad of tangled up feelings in your lap and you don't know where to start untangling and expressing them. It's a process, to be sure. And if you find it's too big a mess, then ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that either. Human beings are complex, convoluted packages of mostly water. We are fluid and ever-evolving. But we are beautiful in our messes too.

Do Not Touch

Today I'm reminded that sometimes big lessons come in small packages.
Lately, I've been surrounded by situations and conversations about consent violations and the importance of having strong personal boundaries. I've become more involved and active in this area than ever before, and it feels really good! But it's not really about doing what feels good. It's more importantly about doing what's hard but absolutely needed.

I came across an analogy in "Better Boundaries", by Jan Black and Greg Enns, that works well when talking about boundaries and setting limits. Think about yourself and your limits as if they were the velvet cord that keeps museum guests from getting too close to artifacts or artwork. Your energy levels, your emotions, your body, your life, your Self, are all every bit as valuable as the things housed in museums. You are one of a kind and irreplaceable. It makes sense to put barriers in place to protect that. Going with that analogy, I'll share a story.

I'm a mom. My daughter is 5. There are few things I want more in life than to be able to help her value and protect herself. If there is something I can do or teach her that can help her avoid becoming part of the horrible sexual assault statistics that are part of our world these days, I am sure as hell going to do it! Rape culture abounds. The first part of our sex ed talks at our house is about body ownership and setting strong boundaries.

So, today is Earth Day. The local Botanic Gardens was having a free day, so we went. There's a sculpture display going on throughout the gardens, to complement the beauties Mama Nature is showing off. Little girl loves art these days, so we had a conversation about it on our way in.

"Remember that it's important to stay outside the fence or wire and not touch the sculptures, right?"
"Yeah, because we don't want to break them. We have to follow the rules."
"Yep, you're right. No matter how pretty it is, if the sign says 'don't touch', we don't get to touch. Why else shouldn't we touch it?"
"Because we might get it dirty and then it wouldn't be as pretty."
"That's a good one too. The artist who made the sculpture wants it to look a certain way, and we need to let it be that way."

I couldn't help but be struck by the double meanings here. Rape prevention has to start early these days. Bad things happen. There are many things that can be done to make them less likely to happen. No way in the world do I want her growing up fearful and paranoid. But I do want her to have the tools to recognize danger signs, and to stay away from situations where she'd be more likely to meet danger in the first place. So, we talk about a few very simple and very powerful concepts.

- Your body is yours and no one else's.
- No one has the right to do things with it unless you say so.
- Ask before touching. Sometimes even a hug is too much for someone. Respect the 'No'.
- If something makes you feel weird butterflies in your stomach, it's ok to use your big loud mean voice to say no and get away.
- Absolutely no one gets exceptions to this, no matter who they are.

I'll end by saying, if you're a parent, teach your children how valuable they are and how to protect that. If you're a friend or partner of someone who has been through a boundary or consent violation, take them seriously and show them the respect that they deserve. If someone draws a boundary with you and says 'don't touch', whether verbally or non-verbally, then don't do it! Simple. Not saying 'no' is not the same as saying 'yes'.