Everyone who hasn’t been holed up in a cave for the past few
years likely knows about the 50 Shades series of books out there. And all
variations of media are talking about the movie, which came out this
Valentine’s Day. Some people love it and are overflowing with excitement about
seeing the movie, or are now on the lookout for their own version of Christian
and/or Ana. Others are decrying the whole trend as an example of perversion and
abuse. Still others love BDSM, whether in private or in community, and are
saddened and/or upset by the portrayal of what should be a consensual
relationship built on trust and intensity instead of pressure and lack of
communication. Whatever your personal perspective, the fact remains that this
surge of interest in these books is translating into a greater exposure and
experimentation with the world of kink.
It’s a world I am happy to be a part of, personally. I
discovered kink in 2000, and it’s been a part of my relationships in varying
degrees ever since. The local community here in Denver has shifted and morphed
(as things like this do) since then, but I’m still a part of it. I decided to
write this blog entry to share with my readers some of the books that have been
foundational for myself and others I know. They are written by people who live
it and are passionate about it, and have the voice of knowledge and experience
and perspective to share with the public. There are other books out there that
are well-written and good reads, but I chose to only include ones that I
have personal knowledge of.
The Basics
Ultimate Guide to Kink
This
book is a compilation of writings on lots of kinky subjects, by various kinky
presenters. The editor wrote the intro and first chapter, which is on
definitions. There’s a lot of experience and awesome perspectives presented in
this book. From the intro, “This book is for everyone who dares to expand their
erotic horizons beyond the ordinary. For all hose who like to give and receive
intense sensations. For the people who eroticize power and cultivate
consciousness in sex and relationships. For anyone who loves to dance on the
line between pleasure and pain. For folks who nurture naked creativity and make
fantasies come to life. This book is about kink.”
50 Shades of Kink
This is the one book on my list today that I haven’t
actually read. I stumbled across it when searching for my links, and decided to
give it a nod here as well. The author is someone whose perspective I
appreciate and trust a lot, and it’s so directly tied into the reason for this
writing in the first place that how could I resist? It’s now on my wishlist to
read sometime soon.
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns
Many people find their way to kink through this book. It’s
an excellent starter set of info for beginners. You’ll learn about definitions
of words and concepts like sadism, masochism, dominance, submission. All kinds
of different activities are introduced, from spanking to wax to biting to
roleplay. It covers safety and consent in easily understood ways: which areas
of the body are safe and fun to play with, how to talk about what you want and
don’t want to happen in an interaction with someone. There are plenty of
illustrations to show in visual ways how things can work out. In general, Screw
the Roses will get you started in a safe and fun manner, and give you tools to
find out what could come next for you in your kink journey.
SM101
This book was actually the first one I read, personally, on
my path of discovering the dark side of sex. I devoured it in about 48 hours.
Jay covers the topic thoroughly and reasonably, with a solid eye toward safety,
which is so important. His use of quotes on the sidebars brings the subject
matter into focus nicely, and shows a bit of the variety of experiences that
are out there to be had. There are sections with practical how-to’s to get your
feet wet with, and sections with discussion of theory and role and motivation.
It has a bit more of a mature tone than Screw the Roses, but is a very
accessible read as well.
Roles and Perspectives
The Topping Book
This book, and its counterpart that is next in the list, do
a good job at showing the difference in perspective between the person who
likes giving the sensation (the Top) and the one who likes receiving it (the
Bottom). The authors collected personal experiences from people who live it and
love it on both sides of the equation. The headspace of the Top includes
feelings of personal power, responsibility, the rush of timelessness, and the
control that comes from having someone grant you the trust over them and their
experience moment by moment. "In any S/M exchange there is a sharing of power - the bottom lends his power to the top for the duration, the top adds power, and together they make a lot of voltage. The top gets to wield all this power, a form of extreme empowerment that is exciting, thrilling, hot, erotic, and very very sexy." (The Topping Book, pg 10-11)
There are similarities in the Bottom’s headspace,
but it also includes the sensation of being held, the surrender to the will of
a trusted partner, freedom from having to make choices, riding waves of
endorphins from the physical interactions with the Top. Some of the benefits to bottoming that this book includes are, "lowers the boundaries...feeling desired...feeling nurtured or taken care of...it's incredibly cathartic... turns our brains off...a chance to please the people we care about...just plain puts us in overdrive" (The Bottoming Book, pg 12-13) The authors have
included some good information about negotiation, consent, and aftercare in
both as well.
The Bottoming Book
Slavecraft
There are those out there who crave a more encompassing
handing over of control to another. For them, the label of Slave can feel
appropriate. Slavecraft goes in depth about the motivations and mindset that
goes along with that desire, with essays from various writers who describe what it is about what they do that fulfills them. It discusses how to find the right person to pair
up with in a relationship like this, things to make sure you talk about with
them before committing to it, the giving of service from a willing and open
heart, the struggle to trust on an ongoing basis, the devotion that can be
possible in a relationship built on surrender and service. It’s a nice look
into a specific sort of connection that appeals to some, but not all.
Bondage and Toys
Bondage for Sex
You can do bondage to create beautiful designs on a lover’s
body. You can do bondage that creates painful predicaments. There are many
reasons to get some rope out. This book talks specifically about ways to use
rope and bondage to enhance your sex with your partner. The ties are easy and
functional for bedroom use. There are illustrations given for stages along the
process, so you can see how things are supposed to lie on the body for safety
and comfort.
The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage
The photography in this book is stunning, and the author's expertise in the subject shines through brightly. She includes bits of inner perspective from both the Top and Bottom viewpoints, and at times gives some history of the techniques she's including. There's simple things to try, and more elaborate ropework to sink into.
Kinky Crafts
You may be captivated by images of dungeons stocked with
shiny metal and rich leather furniture, but you certainly don’t need a lot of
money, or loads of bells and whistles to have a kinky good time with a lover.
There’s lots of fun toys you can make on your own, with a trip to your local
home improvement/hardware store (there’s a reason it’s affectionately known as
Dom Depot). Here’s a book full of instructions on how to make bondage devices,
spanking toys, clips and clamps and furniture with minimal DIY skills.
Fiction and Fantasy
Kushiel’s Series
Looking for a good read with high quality writing, hot sex,
and spicy kink? Kushiel’s Legacy is definitely worth a try. The main character
is a woman who learned early on that she experiences pain and pleasure
together. She comes of age in a society that is built around the principle of
“Love as thou wilt”, that sees sex as a spiritual practice, and becomes a woman
of power and influence. It makes for a delightfully sex positive, pansexual
culture. There’s espionage, political intrigue, romance, betrayal, and
beautiful descriptions laced all through it. Can’t recommend it highly enough.
The Marketplace Series
The 6th book just came out recently, and I haven’t
read it yet, but definitely plan to. This series weaves multiple characters
together through the theme of voluntary, contracted erotic slavery. There are
gender expressions and sexual orientation configurations to please just about
anyone, making it a beautifully pansexual read. The characters are seen going
through personal struggles in their sexual journey at times, as well as being
thoroughly delighted by the choices they make and the situations they find
themselves in. You may well find yourself emotionally invested in one or more
characters, eagerly awaiting the next phase in their story.
The House of Dark Delights
There’s a lot of various kinds of edgy sex in this book and
the other that follows it. Supernatural beings engaging with humans,
shapeshifters, kinky encounters, voyeuristic scenes, just to elaborate on a few
kinds of edges. The fantasy element runs strong, and the sex is hot.
There are many other good books out there, but this
selection can give the curious seekers a good place to start. If you want to go
further, visit your local sex or leather shop, ask the people there what they
recommend (which is sometimes very different than what is popular), and maybe
think about seeking out a community of actual kinky people in your local area.
We usually love talking about what it is that we do and why we do it. Look for
things called Munches, and take some workshops if there is something offered
that looks interesting to you. See if you can find your feet in what it is that
you are looking for, then go out and find that. Happy kinky explorations to
you!
www.alternaterootscounseling.com
Heather Austin, LPCC, NCC
303-522-8839
