Getting weak and vulnerable. It's a two-way street. (Day 8?)

It's fine to be weak and vulnerable. I believe this. It's normal. We all go there. Going there makes you human and real. So I'm going to practice what I preach.

Hi. My name is Heather. It's been 2 weeks since my last blog entry. I meant to do it for 30 days straight, and I got 7 in a row done before I lost my motivation and stopped. I'm embarrassed about that, but I'm also happy and proud of myself for doing 7 in a row like that. Usually it can be months between my blog entries. Am I ever going to be a daily blogger? Hell no! But I can push myself for bits of time and do more than I thought possible.

Even therapists have our struggles. A good counselor education program will include a requirement that budding therapists have their own counselor and do their own work. Working in this field brings up your own issues in a way that most people never get to know. They don't see the times where we are internally aghast at ourselves for counseling clients about the same issues we ourselves were working on in the very recent past. They don't feel the click of synchronicity that happens when a client shows up and needs exactly the advice you picked up in your recent continuing education reading. They don't feel the tremor of wonder and anxiety that can come from the awareness that we are being used by Something larger and greater than ourselves for the healing of another. A client comes in and tells you their vulnerability story about something that happened to them when they were younger that they never told anyone about before, and the thing is, you have been in spookily similar shoes in your own past, and now that experience is coming back to you while you're sitting there in session with them.

Over the course of 2 weeks, I lost more than half my clients. All for legitimate reasons, which I can fully be supportive of. A couple of those involved being financially hard up. That kind of thing is everywhere. People are sacrificing expenses that equal self-care all the time for the sake of meeting daily living expenses. It's a matter of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. When food and housing and transportation aren't possible, emotional healthcare and relationship building and self-actualization are just not within reach. Their suffering becomes my suffering, however, when they stop therapy and thus I can't make my ends meet. It's a weird world, and a weird place to be put in emotionally. But in the end, we pick ourselves back up, show up yet again, keep doing our work, and keep trying. And we find a deeper empathy for those we share the world with.

Love, Sweet Love

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. This day, supposedly full of warm fuzzies loving thoughts and gestures, can also be full of landmines and emotional turbulence. Why is that? And how the heck can we make it a better day? Whether single or partnered, focusing some energy on love and relationships can and should be positive and pleasant.

There are few things that make us more vulnerable than entering into relationship with another person. We can control our world if we are the only inhabitants of it, but adding other people in means that there is an element of the unpredictable. We crave connection, deeply and intimately. Some more than others, yes, but human beings are not meant to fly solo their whole lives. The media builds up that expectation even more for us, showing images of romantic couples looking deeply into each other’s eyes, touching hearts and bodies in seemingly perfect union. Or it fails to show us the kind of relationships that we need, especially if we are attracted to similarly gendered people to us, if we want our romantic relationships to be shaded with kink, or if we don’t stop with having only one romantic relationship. Not feeling represented creates deeper feelings of isolation and the potential for shame because we are different from the wider society around us.

Or perhaps your history is marked by being hurt by those who were supposed to have loved you. So now love doesn't feel like a safe emotion to experience. Valentine’s Day serves to remind you of that pain, rather than creating warm feelings of intimacy and connection. If you’re single, whether or not that state is intentional for you, you could very likely feel entirely left out of a holiday designed to emphasize love. But loving your self is healing and healthy and necessary, so that becomes a good option to focus on. Practice some wholehearted love for yourself. Give yourself treatment that pleases you, that shows you what a valuable and lovable creature you really are. This can be a profoundly healing and nurturing gesture that doesn't require a partner.

If you are partnered, whether with one or more people, it can sometimes be hard to clearly communicate what speaks love to us. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we fear that our partner won’t respond well to our needs and requests. But finding a way to tell a partner what we want our day of love to contain is an important aspect to connection and intimacy. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) Love Languages is one of my favorite tools in helping partners find greater ease in this regard. In my case, Touch and Words of Affirmation are my top languages. So when I need to feel intimately connected to a partner, I have learned to ask for physical contact (nonsexual and sexual both), or for them to dish to me about their emotional state regarding me and our relationship.  For holidays like Valentine’s Day, a card with a handwritten note on it telling me how someone feels about me means a lot more than gifts or flowers. Find what speaks love for you personally, and tell your partner. And then listen to them when they reciprocate!

May your hearts be filled to overflowing, on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year! Long live Love! 

I See You

Why is it so hard to let yourself be seen? And I’m not talking about eyeballs receiving the nerve stimulus that translates in brains that you are present. I’m talking about people seeing who you really are…dropping the mask just a little bit when someone looks into your eyes and letting them see into your Soul.  Making deep connections with people is a beautiful gift, but like many valuable gifts, it’s hard to accept at times. How often do we hear people say, when given something precious, “Oh I can’t accept that. It’s too much.”? There are many reasons for this, but they likely fall into a few themes.

I don’t deserve it. I’m unworthy to accept something this special. I haven’t done anything to earn this.

If I accept this, I’m worried that it’ll obligate me to give something back that has equal value.

If I show how truly delighted I am with this, I become exposed and vulnerable. So I’ll just pretend I don’t want it.

One of the beautiful things about therapy that many are shaken by when they first experience it, is that for a small space of time, you are sitting with someone who Sees you. You find a place of trust with them that allows you to feel safe enough to begin dropping that mask. Little by little, you relax and open your dark places. When you do, you see that this person still accepts you unconditionally, and can help you see your wholeness within the pieces.

You earned the right to this by being as fully human as anyone else, flaws and all. And the structured nature of the therapeutic alliance means that questions of obligation are null and void. The sticking point comes in the fear of vulnerability. Some are afraid that the struggles they are dealing with are too much for anyone to handle. Some realize that if they show someone else what is inside them, they will have to face it themselves, and they aren’t sure they are really ready to do that. Being vulnerable to oneself is sometimes the harder task. Many people are used to being disappointed by their interpersonal experiences. Enough people have let them down that they hold their armor quite close and tight now, out of a self-protection instinct that has sadly become warranted. As a therapist, I consider it a distinct honor and responsibility to be let into the gaps in someone’s armor. It is part of the calling that is my career that I do everything in my power to provide an experience that begins the work of correcting the track record of misplaced trust and wariness, replacing it with unconditional open-eyed acceptance and appreciation.

To close, I offer this song, as a way to describe the feelings behind being Seen.