P Cubed

I am passionate about my profession. For a number of reasons, it is so much more than a job to me.

Personally – Counseling is something that challenges me to grow and deepen my self-awareness with each session that I sit in. I was taught that the greatest gift you can give your clients is to simply and wholeheartedly show up in the room with them. That is both a joy and a complication. When two people connect in an authentic and meaningful way, there are few things more beautiful or more powerful. Both parties leave the room different than they were when they arrived. What a delight it is to be working in a field where that kind of thing gets to happen on a regular basis! In my worldview and theoretical orientation, the counselor and their responses matters too. It’s not just about the client. A good therapeutic alliance is a two-way street. I firmly believe that the right clients show up in my office for the right reasons, for both of us. Counseling is a calling for me on a spiritual level. It’s part of why I am here in this lifetime. I get to talk to clients about their soul-health, discussing archetypes at work in their lives, helping them find ways to honor the inflection points in their path, watching them find that core of strength and personal power that we all have within us but is so easy to lose track of for so many. I have the humbling privilege of being the hand and voice of Source in those moments, a channel for Universal energy, a catalyst for people to reach the next level of Truth that they’ve been striving for.

Politically – I despise the fact that mental health has become known as something of a classist privilege. I understand why it is that way, and I intend my work to be a piece of what changes that. If you have the good fortune of working in a job that gives you an attractive benefits package, you may be able to see a Counselor under your insurance plan. But if you do, be prepared to be diagnosed with a label that may or may not fit you, so that your plan will cover you. And don’t be surprised if you only get enough sessions approved to count on your fingers. If these thoughts raise concerns about privacy and job security, you’re not alone. On the other hand, if you’re under-employed or unemployed, poor or working poor or indigent, you may be able to get emergency mental health services, especially if there’s a reason that you may be a threat to yourself or others, but the red tape will be enough to get lost in. But if you’re not living with that level of risk, if you have lingering concerns, or a desire to understand yourself and your situation more fully, good luck getting services. I’m designing my practice to avoid falling into that trap of being unwieldy and unavailable to those who need it and choose to seek me out. I’m avoiding insurance panels, at least for now, in favor of offering a sliding scale that makes my sessions on a financial par with your average co-pay for those who need it. Those who can afford more, can pay more, and make it easier for me to offer truly affordable care to the biggest range of people possible. Allowing for a portion of my time to be spent in pro bono work or volunteering for agencies that serve underserved populations is another thing that’s important to me. It angers me when I hear people say that Counselors are ‘in it for the money’. Do people who say that have the faintest clue what the average salary is for people in this field? Our country and our healthcare system does not value mental healthcare enough to throw anything but token attention and resources toward it. I could talk about gendered values here, and the patriarchy that governs so many decisions that get made still, and the assumption that a profession based on caring and healing and empathy is too squishy to be worth paying for. Or I could mention the student loan debt that many of us emerge into our professional life having to repay. To those who truly believe it’s about the money, I say you’ve either met some Counselors who have no business being in the field anymore, or you need to open your eyes and ask some intelligent questions about what constitutes success. I care so much more about the people I work with than I do the money they may or may not be paying me. And yet, professionals are worth paying, and paying well.

Professionally – A Counselor is not the same as a Social Worker, or a Psychologist, or even a Life Coach. There are areas of crossover, for sure, but they are unique roles. The focus of the Counseling profession is the therapeutic alliance between Counselor and Client. It is about the creation of a relationship where healing and personal growth thrive in an atmosphere of trust and openness. There are times when we talk with clients about community resources that could help them, or medications or treatments that are being developed in regards to their areas of struggle, or help a client set goals and make plans on how to reach them. But at the core of it, Counseling is a field about a person-to-person connection of a unique nature. When it’s good, it serves the purpose of helping each person find and optimize their own path and life. It holds a mirror up for people to see themselves more clearly and from angles that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to see. Just like no one can see the back of their head unless an extra mirror is held just right, a Counselor finds out the right spot each client needs their mirror held so that they can see things they’d miss otherwise. It’s a fulfilling moment, on all the levels mentioned here, when you and your client find that sweet spot, and their eyes open a little wider, and they have an ‘aha’ insight about themselves. You get to see their world and their sense of self get just that much richer and more complete. That is why I do what I do.

Practice Pressure

Just after deciding to launch the dream group I've been planning and playing with for months now, I had a dream that was decidedly business related. There is no such thing as coincidences in my world, and this dream was strong enough to wake me up and keep me up for a few hours.

I am on my way to a marketing/networking event, navigating busy streets. I’m riding a bike. A couple women from chorale are on the side of the road heading in the same general direction. I realize too late that I’ve forgotten my brochures and cards, but decide to continue and do without them. When I get there, it’s nearly empty. Booths and tables are set up in a labyrinth of rooms and hallways. I especially notice herbal supplements and skin care companies. I strike up a conversation with a woman who talks to me about investing, specifically with progressive social activism companies and causes. She advises picking 5-10 to divide my money between. I wake up with my mind buzzing and the song “Tongue Tied” stuck firmly in my head (“Take me to your best friend’s house. I loved you then I love you now.”)

I couldn’t begin to go back to sleep until I got up and jotted down the bullet points that made up this dream. Then this morning, I am spending some time revisiting the setting of it, bringing the feelings of the dream back to me…anxiety, overwhelm, curiosity, fascination, some confusion.

I like to start dreamwork with the part of the dream that holds the most emotional charge. In this dream, there’s not a whole lot of intensity, but the feeling of wandering mostly alone through a maze of booths and tables comes closest. So I’ll dig in there and see what comes out.

Some associations: kiosks in the mall, presentations, pedestals, displays, selling, being put on the spot, pressure to say yes, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

Wow. This tells me I have some serious work to do. My mind has been working on issues of consent and consent violations off and on for a while now, and the connection becomes clear when I let my thoughts flow unimpeded. Some part of me equates marketing myself professionally with pressuring people to give what they wouldn’t freely give otherwise. I can’t with a clear conscious participate in that. So, I default to being as known publically as I am comfortable with, and trusting that those who are meant to come work with me will find me. Now, is that effective? I don’t know yet. But I am determined to do this in a way that does not violate my principles. Stretching myself is one thing, going completely outside things I hold dearly is another entirely.

There are other tidbits this dream has for me, but I think I’ve hit upon the biggest one here. It’s a nice idea many times to do something in the waking world to anchor the insights of characters from a dream into your consciousness. This can be through creating something artistic, doing some kind of ritual to honor it, or whatever else resonates with you. In this case, I think I’m going to let the fuel from this dream help get me in contact with other non-competitive-minded professionals and see what resources are out there.

This is for the pet lovers out there

When you decide to bring an animal into your life, smart and responsible pet people go through a few thought processes. What is my living situation? What kind of care can I give to an animal who lives with me? You think about things like lifestyle and personality. Would I rather have a pet who thrives on cuddles and petting, or an independent soul like myself who can happily coexist with me without getting in my face for affection? How active a life do I lead? You get a sense of yourself in a deeper way when you start looking at your life through the eyes of a potential animal companion.

Then you might start researching breeds and their inherent characteristics to find a good potential match for what you have to offer.  Some dogs have a strong territorial drive. They will defend you and your property without thinking twice about it. Some have a more fearful nature and will take cover behind your legs at the suggestion of a threat. There are breeds to avoid if you aren’t willing to give them fairly intense activity. Others are so smart that their people need to rise to the challenge and train them diligently.

What if when you go to the adoption shelter, some dog of unknown pedigree catches your eye and your heart and declares that they are yours? You, being the diehard pet person that you are, honor that moment and take that dog home with you. Then you find yourself getting to know them from scratch. You ask yourself, are the behaviors I’m witnessing inherent to their breed? Or is it the result of bad life experiences or previous people they’ve belonged with? You have to be wise, compassionate, and savvy to build that relationship with that animal.

Now, let’s juxtapose this analogy on building relationships with fellow humans. In a way, it’d be really nice to be able to know ourselves so well that we can be entirely conscious about searching for and finding a partner. We could have a checklist of traits and characteristics that we have, and that we are looking for. Match them up, and voila! A happy partnership til death do us part! What a beautiful fantasy! And perhaps one of the things that arranged marriage proponents are trying to achieve.

Most of us take the ‘shelter’ route to partnership. The people we are attracted to and fall in love with have had a multitude of life experiences and relationships that have gone into making them who they are. Sometimes that’s been positive, and sometimes not so much. Sometimes they are conscious of the influences they’ve had, sometimes not.  But we take them into our lives, merge with them, then continue the process of finding out who they are.

It’s such a trite saying, but true nonetheless. You can’t change your partner, so don’t try. There are inherent ‘breed characteristics’ that each person has. If you try to train them out, you will only end up in endless conflict and frustration that grows into resentment on both parts. Modification may be possible and needed, in order to fit smoothly into each others’ lives, but if you can’t love someone for who they really are, then maybe they’re not ultimately the right match for you. There’s no shame in that, and no blame. What works wonderfully for one, is the exactly wrong thing for another.

But relationship dissolution or transition is a subject for another entry…

Do Not Touch

Today I'm reminded that sometimes big lessons come in small packages.
Lately, I've been surrounded by situations and conversations about consent violations and the importance of having strong personal boundaries. I've become more involved and active in this area than ever before, and it feels really good! But it's not really about doing what feels good. It's more importantly about doing what's hard but absolutely needed.

I came across an analogy in "Better Boundaries", by Jan Black and Greg Enns, that works well when talking about boundaries and setting limits. Think about yourself and your limits as if they were the velvet cord that keeps museum guests from getting too close to artifacts or artwork. Your energy levels, your emotions, your body, your life, your Self, are all every bit as valuable as the things housed in museums. You are one of a kind and irreplaceable. It makes sense to put barriers in place to protect that. Going with that analogy, I'll share a story.

I'm a mom. My daughter is 5. There are few things I want more in life than to be able to help her value and protect herself. If there is something I can do or teach her that can help her avoid becoming part of the horrible sexual assault statistics that are part of our world these days, I am sure as hell going to do it! Rape culture abounds. The first part of our sex ed talks at our house is about body ownership and setting strong boundaries.

So, today is Earth Day. The local Botanic Gardens was having a free day, so we went. There's a sculpture display going on throughout the gardens, to complement the beauties Mama Nature is showing off. Little girl loves art these days, so we had a conversation about it on our way in.

"Remember that it's important to stay outside the fence or wire and not touch the sculptures, right?"
"Yeah, because we don't want to break them. We have to follow the rules."
"Yep, you're right. No matter how pretty it is, if the sign says 'don't touch', we don't get to touch. Why else shouldn't we touch it?"
"Because we might get it dirty and then it wouldn't be as pretty."
"That's a good one too. The artist who made the sculpture wants it to look a certain way, and we need to let it be that way."

I couldn't help but be struck by the double meanings here. Rape prevention has to start early these days. Bad things happen. There are many things that can be done to make them less likely to happen. No way in the world do I want her growing up fearful and paranoid. But I do want her to have the tools to recognize danger signs, and to stay away from situations where she'd be more likely to meet danger in the first place. So, we talk about a few very simple and very powerful concepts.

- Your body is yours and no one else's.
- No one has the right to do things with it unless you say so.
- Ask before touching. Sometimes even a hug is too much for someone. Respect the 'No'.
- If something makes you feel weird butterflies in your stomach, it's ok to use your big loud mean voice to say no and get away.
- Absolutely no one gets exceptions to this, no matter who they are.

I'll end by saying, if you're a parent, teach your children how valuable they are and how to protect that. If you're a friend or partner of someone who has been through a boundary or consent violation, take them seriously and show them the respect that they deserve. If someone draws a boundary with you and says 'don't touch', whether verbally or non-verbally, then don't do it! Simple. Not saying 'no' is not the same as saying 'yes'.

A Little Dreamwork

I love dreams! I love my own, and I love working with dreams that clients bring into our sessions. I find them to be very valuable windows into the unconscious world, full of imagery and symbolism that is important to the individual, whether they are consciously aware of that or not.

Currently, I’m getting a Dream Group started, for people who are likewise fascinated and interested in their own dreams, and would like to work with them together. As an example of what that might look like, I offer one from my own nighttime wanderings.  We had watched a movie before going to sleep, a recent award winner about a historic event in my lifetime. If you’ve also seen it, you’ll likely recognize some themes. And in discussing the dream after re-telling it, I will address the issue of popular culture references showing up in dreams and what to make of them.

There is a need to smuggle a few people out of state. To do that, my partner and I go to a gun show with a crate full of knives and guns. The guns are sold, and the knives get sharpened and repaired. We talk to the dealers there, and hope that they can’t tell how out of place we are. We arrange for “the Canadian singer Celine Dion” to act as escort. The windows of the car are smeared and fogged over, including the windshield, looking like it’s been hand-waxed but not buffed off. We load the crate that now holds someone we’re smuggling into the car and leave. They are silent for a while, and then a small girl pops out of the box and starts talking. We remind her to stay in there and be quiet, and we keep going.

It’s important when writing or re-telling dreams, to use the present tense in your language. This brings the dream back into the moment, into the room with you as a living presence. In a group situation, it can be helpful as well to re-tell the dream again. The second time, different details may come out, or different wording used will point to another perspective on the dream.

Then, maybe as in this case, there will be an obvious parallel to address, or an anomaly may need to be addressed. In this case, images and themes from a movie showed up. In another case, maybe it becomes clear that the sausage pizza and ice cream right before bed have had an influence on your dreamscape. I’m not saying dreams in either of those cases are any less valid, or have anything less to communicate to us. They just may be using different language. The unconscious world is a place of power and wisdom. It will use whatever imagery is available to talk to us about our Selves. The key, as in all dream work, is to invite the dreamer to provide the meaning to the symbols that show up. Things will mean very different things to different people. Each individual is the expert in their own dreamworld.

After re-telling the dream, it’s time to play with associations for the images in the dream. The group can help with this, in a sort of brainstorming session. For mine, the gun show was a particularly strong image. I’d say it’s a place for people to deal and celebrate weapons of violence. I associate conservatism, conspiracies, fear, and control with gun shows. Guns work from a greater distance, while knives are more personal and close-up. The escort shows up as a “neutral party”. But also, she is a performer of music, which is a powerful source of expression for me. People were always depending on us to rescue them, but when at the end, the expected adults became one small child, the theme of vulnerability and dependence is further emphasized.

Associations lead to applications to the dreamer’s life. Some of the messages in this dream are for my awareness alone, but I will share a few here as illustration of how this process works. I asked myself, “What is small and vulnerable in my life that needs me to keep it safe?” and then, “What are the tools I need to keep to protect that vulnerable part, and what do I need to get rid of because it no longer serves me?”  I think in terms of archetypes a lot, and this dream made me think that my Inner Child both needs some attention, and needs to know the appropriate timing for finding expression. She is hiding inside a vessel that used to hold weapons of violence. We do symbolic and psychological violence to ourselves often, and often without awareness that we are doing it. Baggage that used to take up space in our souls, when cleaned out, may reveal something joyful and innocent underneath. This was a strong takeaway message from this dream for me, hiding under images that could have easily been written off as “just memories of that movie”.

If you’re interested in joining a Dream Group and doing work like this with other likeminded people, please contact me for more details.

Heather Austin

303-522-8839

alternaterootscounseling@gmail.com

Thoughts on a Snowy Day

Like all of us Denverites, I woke up this morning to a field of diffuse white light coming from my window. The snow rolled in enforce last night while we slept. Now this morning I'm thinking about snow days.

When I was a kid, hearing that it had snowed enough to cancel school was a treat on a par with a surprise trip to our favorite amusement park. Mom would make something hot for breakfast, usually oatmeal, which I didn't like, but would eat a bowl of as quickly as I could so that I could get on to bigger and better things...building a snowman, dragging out the saucer sled and hitting a hill, digging a cave in a recently plowed pile, or laying on my belly examining the tiny wonders that delicate snowflakes are when you look close enough. I didn't care about getting cold and wet. That really didn't matter compared to a day off in a winter wonderland.

Now, as an adult, things are a little different. Work may or may not be cancelled. You don't know until you get up and get a phone call or go online to check. It could turn into a day off, or a slow and sloppy drive to work surrounded by other drivers who are less than thrilled with the gifts of Mother Nature. The questions become, how do you really feel about changing plans? and what do you do with the surprise time off when you have it?

Grown-ups tend to be creatures of habit. We like our routine. We depend on it to know how to structure our lives. Take it away, and we may get angry or anxious or both. You could spend a snow day fretting about all the work that's not getting done at the office. Or you could feel the road rage begin when you are surrounded by people who own SUVs with fat snow tires and local license plates who still act like they've never encountered this terrifying white fluff from above. Or instead, you could take the opportunity to breath deep and relax into the day. Those people you work with may have to realize that the deadlines and pressures they feel day in and day out will not come crashing down on them if you are late or absent even. You may be irreplaceable, but a team needs to rely on each other and be flexible enough to adjust to unforseen things like weather. And as far as road and driver conditions go, a snowy day could be just the tool to help you practice compassion and pacing yourself. Take a cue from yoga philosophy and view those who share the road with you through an open-hearted attitude. You are all having the same challenges this morning. People handle challenges in all different ways, whatever way they have learned works best for them. Maybe take a moment to realize that that slow and erratic driver in front of you is really scared, for whatever reason. Take a deep breath in and out to center yourself, then another inhale full of the cool and calm light around you, and exhale it as a blessing toward that person.

If, on the other hand, you do get a day off at home to yourself, how can you turn it into the same kind of gift that a snow day was when you were a kid? How long has it been since you had a handful of hours to do with as you wish? What is it that your Soul has been craving and not getting through your busy life? Do you need to play? Pack your gear and head for the hills for some serious winter recreation. Or put on some fantastic music in your house and get your groove on all by yourself. Do you need to create? It's the perfect day for a slow cooker full of stew and a loaf of fresh bread in the oven. Or those art supplies you've been neglecting in the cabinet may need to come out and fill your hands with creative process. Do you need nurturing? How about a soak in a hot bath and some luxurious aromatherapy products. Or a blanket on the couch with a season of your favorite tv escapism to catch up on. Has your spiritual side been starving for attention? Maybe it's the perfect day for silence and meditation, or performing whatever personal ritual gets you connected to that which is beyond you.

In a life filled with activity, busyness, pressure and obligations; it becomes all the more essential that we take time for rest, recreation, and renewal. Snowy days may be Mother Nature's perfect gift for us to do just that. For me, I've got my favorite radio station streaming. I'll be spending some quiet time meditating in front of my personal altar today, getting out my art supplies to see what wants to be played with, and hopefully creating some culinary deliciousness for dinner. How about you?

I See You

Why is it so hard to let yourself be seen? And I’m not talking about eyeballs receiving the nerve stimulus that translates in brains that you are present. I’m talking about people seeing who you really are…dropping the mask just a little bit when someone looks into your eyes and letting them see into your Soul.  Making deep connections with people is a beautiful gift, but like many valuable gifts, it’s hard to accept at times. How often do we hear people say, when given something precious, “Oh I can’t accept that. It’s too much.”? There are many reasons for this, but they likely fall into a few themes.

I don’t deserve it. I’m unworthy to accept something this special. I haven’t done anything to earn this.

If I accept this, I’m worried that it’ll obligate me to give something back that has equal value.

If I show how truly delighted I am with this, I become exposed and vulnerable. So I’ll just pretend I don’t want it.

One of the beautiful things about therapy that many are shaken by when they first experience it, is that for a small space of time, you are sitting with someone who Sees you. You find a place of trust with them that allows you to feel safe enough to begin dropping that mask. Little by little, you relax and open your dark places. When you do, you see that this person still accepts you unconditionally, and can help you see your wholeness within the pieces.

You earned the right to this by being as fully human as anyone else, flaws and all. And the structured nature of the therapeutic alliance means that questions of obligation are null and void. The sticking point comes in the fear of vulnerability. Some are afraid that the struggles they are dealing with are too much for anyone to handle. Some realize that if they show someone else what is inside them, they will have to face it themselves, and they aren’t sure they are really ready to do that. Being vulnerable to oneself is sometimes the harder task. Many people are used to being disappointed by their interpersonal experiences. Enough people have let them down that they hold their armor quite close and tight now, out of a self-protection instinct that has sadly become warranted. As a therapist, I consider it a distinct honor and responsibility to be let into the gaps in someone’s armor. It is part of the calling that is my career that I do everything in my power to provide an experience that begins the work of correcting the track record of misplaced trust and wariness, replacing it with unconditional open-eyed acceptance and appreciation.

To close, I offer this song, as a way to describe the feelings behind being Seen.

Not one, but two...

Shadows surround us. Bright and Dark, we try not to look too deeply into either one. The concept began with Carl Jung, that we each have a Shadow side that holds that which we avoid or deny the existence of in ourselves. It’s easy to recognize the dark scary things like the unknown chaser in your dream that you keep trying to run faster from and just can’t escape as Shadow figures. But how about that celebrity in your other dream that picks you out of the crowd and beckons you onstage with them? Can you imagine them as a different part of your Shadow? In both cases you may feel the adrenaline rush of anxiety, wake up with your heart pounding, or ask yourself “Wth was that all about??” upon waking.

It’s a pretty natural human response to avoid that which scares us. Fight or flight is a powerful instinct that serves us well, when it saves us from a true predator situation. But when the threat isn’t a threat to our existence, but only to our assumptions and comfort zones, it serves us better to turn and face what we fear. If we can look at it with openness to the possibility that it is actually there to offer us gifts we didn’t even know we had access to, then all of a sudden our world gets richer, and our sense of Self gets larger and stronger.

Because I’m an optimist, always preferring to look for the silver lining, find the blessing lens to flip down in front of a challenge, and say “it could be so easily worse”, I offer the following from the positive side first.

(Adapted from an exercise in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford)

To explore some of what may be awaiting you in your Bright Shadow, first think about someone you think so highly of that you would call them a hero, idolize them, look up to the example they set. This person could be alive now, or someone from history, someone you know personally, or someone who’s only on your bucket list. When you’ve found that person in your thoughts, hold them there, picture them as clearly as you can, and feel the emotions that flow when you dwell on them. Then open your eyes and spend a few minutes writing down words and phrases that describe them. Try not to censor yourself or pass any judgment on the words that come to mind and end up on the paper. Write their name on the page somewhere for future reference.

Turn the paper over and think for a few minutes about a person that you can’t stand the thought of. You are offended by them, you shudder at the thought of what they’ve done or the kind of person they are, you don’t care to ever be in their presence. Just like before, this could be someone you actually know, or not. They could be current or past, larger than life, or the kid down the street that picked on you.  And like before, allow them to come to life in your thoughts for a few minutes. Make a list on the paper of the words and phrases that come to mind describing them, and write their name down as well.

Go up to the top of the page, and read each item on the list, starting each phrase with their name…

                Uncle Jack is too loud. Uncle Jack is rude. Uncle Jack yells all the time.

Now it’s time to look in the Dark Mirror. Go back to the top of the list, and exchange the person in the sentence…

                I am too loud. I am rude. I yell all the time.

One more time, read the list, this time slowly and out loud, exploring the potential truth of the words.

                I am too loud…..I am rude…..I yell all the time….

Sit in quietness for a few minutes, or perhaps take out your journal and write down your reactions and revelations. Then it’ll be time to return to the happier territory of the Bright Mirror.

Flip to the list of traits describing your positive person. And go through this exercise with them in mind instead…

                Marie Curie was brilliant. Marie Curie was curious. Marie Curie was dedicated.

                I am brilliant. I am curious. I am dedicated.

                I am brilliant…..I am curious…..I am dedicated…..

Again, spend some time letting these truths and potentials settle in. Which set of words was harder for you to apply to yourself? I’d guess both are pretty hard to hear. But the thing about the Shadow, is that it helps us learn that what we see in others, either to hate or to love, is something we may likely be projecting onto them from that which we hide from in ourselves.

In the never-ending quest for self-awareness, I find this exercise and ones like it to be a tremendously valuable tool. May you find nuggets of Truth about your Self around every corner, and thus your life will become richer and more fascinating all the time.