Tension of Opposites

(art by Vicki Miller) 

Last Friday morning in Gentle Yoga class, Kristin kept bringing to our minds the idea of opposite forces at play in our bodies, in our asanas. Warm and cool, grounding and floating, stillness and movement. We were encouraged to play with those energies and the flows we could feel between them. It was a great way to feel the effects of what we were doing and expand our awareness of our bodies in the present moment.

It also reminded me right away of one of my favorite Jungian concepts: the transcendent function. It applies in counseling situations when someone is torn between two feelings or choices or situations where neither one feels satisfactory. Jung’s perspective on that was that holding the tension between those opposite forces, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, will allow a third option to arise.  Here's a bit someone else wrote about the subject. The third option is usually something you’ve never imagined, something creative and outside the box. It may be a combination of the two options, or it may be something entirely new. But when it shows up, the tension you’ve been holding and the uncertainty and unsettledness you’ve felt dissolves away and clarity ensues.

As an example, let’s say you’re working in a job that you find fulfilling, and it’s necessary that you maintain income to make financial ends meet. Now add to that picture that you become pregnant. You and your partner are happy to invite a new little person into your family, but as time goes and things progress, you find you have decisions to make. Are you going to stay with your career, that you love but that has become bittersweet now at the thought of leaving your child with other caregivers for so much time? Are you going to quit or resign and stay home to care for your child yourself? Your heart is torn, and your mind is all jumbled with questions and possibilities and what-if scenarios. A choice needs to be made, so you turn to your sources of insight (friends, family, professionals, faith leaders, etc) and try to find something. A classic case of tension of opposites that many have had to face.

Or maybe you’re struggling with coming out to important people in your life about gender identity or sexual orientation. Do you lay yourself out for them, hoping that they’ll love and accept you still with the new awareness of who you are? Or do you stay quiet about what makes you different than they’re used to, and deal with the growing sense of suppressing your Self? Many have faced this tough decision point as well.

The third option that we wait to arise in these situations could be arranging for a job to include some days working from home via computer, a shift to a new and creatively expansive position, perhaps coming out to select people first who you know will be supportive and can be allies for the rest of the process, or thinking about whether with life stressors revisiting the question in a month or two would be better. There are endless possibilities that could arise and be the “third option”. The hard part is in relaxing into the tension, breathing, and finding the ease that is available in the situation until that happens. Yoga, meditation, counseling, self-care, journaling, creative outlets are all good ways to ride out the tension. What’s in your toolbox for times like that? 

Use Your Words

This is something kids get told a lot. It's an important skill to learn and get good at. And we're not born with it, not by a long shot. If you're a parent, you're probably used to seeing behaviors that surprise you, don't make sense on the surface, or seem to come out of nowhere. The thing is, in the mind of your child, there's probably a lot going on behind that behavior, and if you can get under the surface, you'll find out what's really going on.

Sometimes emotions are really hard to put words to. They get messy and complicated, and even adults with good emotional intelligence and a way with words can have a hard time expressing them clearly so that someone can understand them. The clues are there, if you look for them and pay attention. In a session with a client, I will often ask them to tell me how their body is feeling as they talk about something that's going on for them. We will talk about feelings in descriptive language, picturesque metaphors, and give it a name or identity outside of themselves. We try on emotion words for suitability and experiment to find something that resonates.

When it's a child, sometimes they haven't learned the words for what they're feeling yet, so they use their behavior to express what their words can't. It's part of being the adult to help them learn the words they need. When they feel heard and understood, the behaviors don't have to be so strong anymore. We watch them, use our empathy, and test the waters of their emotions with them. Sometimes we have to get creative about how we describe an emotion. I remember well when my kiddo needed to learn what "embarrassed" was about. I got the feeling she was at the age where that particular emotion was surfacing, and tried to describe it as something like "you feel bad inside, like someone is picking on you and you want to hide, or you did something wrong and people are looking at you and not liking you." These days, she uses that word often, sometimes seemingly inaccurately, but still, she feels empowered around that emotion. The nuances of meaning can come with time.

It's entirely normal to feel jumbled up, like you've got a big wad of tangled up feelings in your lap and you don't know where to start untangling and expressing them. It's a process, to be sure. And if you find it's too big a mess, then ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that either. Human beings are complex, convoluted packages of mostly water. We are fluid and ever-evolving. But we are beautiful in our messes too.

Out of the Bitter Comes Sweetness

I’m stunned and saddened to learn of the end of Robin Williams’ life. Death happens. I’m comfortable with that fact. It’s a transition on a par with birth. We enter, and then we leave. We don’t get to stay here forever.  And philosophically, I believe in a person’s right to make choices about how the end will look for them. But still, when someone leaves unexpectedly, those of us still here have to feel and deal.

The statement President Obama made about him reminded me of my favorite of Robin’s movies, Hook. He did indeed make a “bangarang Peter Pan.”  So many lush themes in that movie! Childhood is precious and worthy of enjoying to the fullest. Giving of yourself to others can change the world. Don’t discount those who seem to be absent or “crazy,” for they sometimes have more wisdom than you give them credit for. We all have fears that we need to face. Happiness is a powerful force.

I think I’ll spend some time on that last one. Happiness makes people sparkle. It lifts spirits and faces and moods. And generally, it’s not that hard to find things that bring a happy smile. Watch a kid with a bottle of bubbles and a really cool wand. Even grownups sparkle to match the fireworks on Independence Day. Your favorite song comes on the radio in the car and all of a sudden irritation or anger melts into joy and you can’t help but sing along. The thing is, these small things are fleeting, so you have to be present and pay attention to experience them.

We go so fast these days. Sometimes it’s necessary, and sometimes it’s certainly not. And sometimes it’s really hard to know the difference. There’s this anxiety that rises up that tells us if we slow down, simplify, mono-task instead of multi-task that we’ll drop an important ball and tragedy will strike. What happens if we take some time off to intentionally enjoy ourselves, or to dive into someone precious to us, be it a child or a beloved? Yes, as grownups we have lives that require scheduling and planning, and can be quite full of obligations and responsibilities. But those structures we rely on for productivity can also help us make time for fun and happy times.

Once upon a time, I heard that we need three R’s to counteract our busy lives: Rest, Recreation, and Relationship.

Rest – Get enough sleep, even if that means catching a nap now and then if you can. Sit and do nothing. Meditate. Find a lounge chair by a pool or on a deck and lay in the sun (safely, including sunscreen after your Vitamin D needs have been met ). Light some candles in a dark living room at night and listen to some good jazz, no analysis or conversation needed. Spend a day flopped out on your couch watching a marathon of your favorite movies.

Recreation – Do something fun. Take a walk by a river. Go to a movie. Spend an evening at a club dancing to fun music. Play some racquetball. Take an aqua fitness class. Wander through a museum or the zoo or a great garden. Soak in beauty. Talk to nature. Sometimes you can spell it re-creation, and think about what you can do to bring you back into your Truth, help you come home to your Self. Spiritual practice fits in there. Creating art, journaling, or cooking some nourishing food for yourself also do.

Relationship – Call a friend or family member you haven’t talked to in a while and catch up with them. Get together with someone locally. Sit down and have an open and intimate conversation with someone who knows you well. Plenty of options for physical connection exist, from hugs to massage to intimate touching and sex. We all have a touch reservoir, some deep and some not so deep, and different things we like to fill it with. But having that contact is pretty much a biological need. We need our connections to others.

When time is crunched, it can pay to find things to do that meet more than one of those needs at the same time. Meet a friend at that club and go dancing together. Watch that movie marathon with a beloved, cuddled up together. Take your child to the zoo with you. They’ll help you remember how to play and have fun if you let them. Try to follow their lead instead of dragging them to one exhibit after another. Let your imagination wander among the possibilities, but do try to do something that makes you happy. It’s good for you.

A Season of Change

It's happening everywhere. Seems like everyone I talk to these days has big changes going on in their lives. Someone is getting married. Someone else has a child leaving the nest. A couple builds a new house and moves into it. New jobs are needed and found. Companies are bought and reshuffling happens. Kids learn to swim and ride bikes. Parents and grandparents receive diagnoses that change ways of life.


All these things are going on all the time these days, faster and faster it seems. It gets hard to keep up with, and it can feel like you're drowning or being run over by life. The question came up in my mind recently, when I was going through a similar flood, as to whether I needed to speed up my own pace in order to accommodate life's new speed, or if I should relax and release into the faster flow that was presenting itself. A beloved responded to that discussion by saying "Option B seems much less anxiety producing." He knows me well. I tend to feel anxiety as I try ever harder to remain in control of circumstances that many times are decidedly out of my control.


It's a tricky question sometimes. Is this something I have control over? Or am I trying to take control or responsibility for something I can't or have no business taking control over? The answer shifts and changes just like everything else. Individuals seldom have a say in whether the company they work for changes hands. But they do get to choose whether and when and where they get their resume out. The weather does what it will do on a wedding day, but the people involved get to decide on back-up plans and wardrobe choices for the day. You may not have anything to do with how many obligations land in your lap at any given time, but you do have at least some degree of power over how you take care of your body and emotions while you rise to your challenges.


For all the times I talk to clients about these things, where they can find and feel their power and thus counteract the helpless feelings that the onslaught of changes can bring, I need the reminder myself many times. Today I took time to meditate for the first time in a couple weeks. A daily or nearly daily practice does me worlds of good. It's simple, takes very little time, requires no gear or money, and goes so far toward keeping my head straight and my emotions on an even keel. I remember how to do that releasing thing where I let go of striving to hold onto control or go that one notch faster to keep up. There's no reason in the world I can't do it regularly. It's totally in my power to make it happen, no matter what other circumstance or challenge is rolling through my life.


What can you do for yourself to handle the changes and surprises that you're being handed? Is it possible for you to release your grasping for control that's not yours to have in the first place? We're all in this season of change together, after all. You're not alone in the struggle.

Body Wisdom

Take a moment, right now. Turn off the phone, find a comfortable spot to sit and relax for a few minutes. It’s rare that we take time to listen to our bodies. Hell, it’s not all that often that we listen to our thoughts, really. And we tend to validate cognition way above somatic insights. But cells and tissues and bodies do hold memories and emotions. Our physical selves may have important things to say about our inner world. So let’s take a moment and listen to what those things may be.

Sit quietly, in a position that allows your muscles to let go and your bones and furniture or floor hold you safely. Follow your breath in and out a few cycles, not trying to alter or influence them, but just watching. Then spend a few cycles gently lengthening your exhale. This will deepen your relaxation and quiet your mind further.

 When you feel settled and quiet, begin to draw your attention to the top of your head. Explore the sensations you find there, both pleasant and unpleasant. If something particularly attracts you, you might spend a little time with that sensation. Inquire as to why it is there, and breathe with it for a few cycles to see if it has something to share with you. Pay attention to the thoughts that arise, withholding judgment or criticism no matter what it is. Sometimes you will be surprised at what your body has to tell you.

Once you have received, or have at least given that sensation enough of a chance to communicate with you, bless that area with a breath and move downward from there. Areas of tension, pain, buzzing, warmth or cold, may be ready to have a chat with you. Be gentle and loving with yourself all along the way. You may find old resentments surfacing, fears, moments of anger, memories of passion, unfulfilled dreams, unrequited loves, any number of things. Something may move you to reach for your journal, phone a friend for a chat, make you cry, or spur you to take some sort of action. You would do well to heed those urges. And you may just find that those areas of troublesome sensation dissolve into ease when you do.

Tell me a Story

Society seems to be caught up with themes of myth and fairytale these days. Between TV shows like Once Upon a Time and Grimm, and movies like Percy Jackson and even the upcoming Wonder Woman remake, we are fascinated by legendary and mythic characters and storylines. Why? What power do tales like Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, and Oz hold for us today? Why are we still captivated by Gods, Goddesses and demi-gods? They take us beyond ourselves, and yet simultaneously into ourselves. They have the power to transform ordinary reality into something rich and magical. They tap into deep universal energy, otherwise known as archetypes. We hunger for something to escape into, that touches us on a level below the surface, that we can lose ourselves in, experience something vicariously beyond the bounds of our everyday existence. Even those who would deny having any interest in myth, may find themselves sitting in a theater, engrossed in the world of Thor or even Captain America. Myth is not static. It changes with the times and culture. Today’s resurgence of classic figures does nothing to take away from the pull of the Star Trek franchise or Doctor Who, for example. The Hero, the Miracle Worker, the Healer, the Consort, the Companion, the Worthy Opponent, the Speaker of Tongues, those roles and many others are reborn in the tales of each new generation.

When you get lost in a story, be it in a book or on a screen, which characters do you identify with? Do you become the Warrior Queen organizing the troops to defend her land? Are you the Shaman who lives alone in the woods, solitary, sometimes misunderstood, sometimes feared, but never quite part of the tribe? Do you see yourself as the Courtesan, mastering the arts of pleasure and diplomacy? Or maybe you’re a darker type than that, say, a Succubus who drains people of their energy? Or a werewolf that accesses something primal and dangerous in yourself one night out of every month? No, really, stop and think about that a minute…When you find yourself in a character, then you begin to get in touch with the story that you are living. It could be a hero’s journey, or an ordeal, or a misplaced orphan, or any number of variations on themes.

But here’s the kicker. You are not a helpless captive in your story. You can change your story. It happens that a story that has been true in your life for ages will all of a sudden not fit anymore. Then it’s time for a new story. The myth that’s active in your life may change many times, sometimes intentionally and sometimes you just stumble into a new one. There’s a dissonance that you may feel when you’ve been used to your life playing out along predictable storylines, and all of a sudden things don’t work that way anymore.

 There’s an apt analogy I want to bring in here. If you are or ever have been in need of vision correction devices, you’ll understand this. The world looks normal. You don’t think twice about the fact that you need to hold a book very close to your eyes to be able to read. It’s just the way life is. Then someone suggests you go to an eye doctor. You sit down in their magical chair, and view the world through different lenses. You’re trying each one out to see when the world becomes clear. “#1 or #2? #2 or #3?” Then a lens flips into place and A-ha! Details pop into alignment that you didn’t know were even out of alignment. You can see to move through life with much more richness and clarity than you ever knew you were missing. But, a few years later, you have to go back and get things rechecked. You go through the whole process again, but now maybe the new glasses you wear make you feel a little dizzy and disoriented. Even though the crystalline clarity is now returned, it takes an adjustment period until you feel like you’re grounded again.

Finding your new myth is similar. You try things on, and they may or may not fit quite right. But then a pivotal piece falls into place, and the path becomes clear in front of you again. This is a delightful part of the work I do. I get to help people explore old myths and identities and find and flesh out new ones. It’s a privilege and an honor to have someone sit with me while we explore the lenses that no longer work for them, and flip new ones down for experimentation. The a-ha moment when the one that holds the image of Truth for them slides into place is beautiful. Sometimes it brings smiles and laughter, sometimes tears and raging. But the look of clarity that accompanies it is unmistakable.

I believe as a culture, we are trying out new myths. Collectively, we are ready for a new identity and new footing on the path of life. So we are drawn to timeless storylines and characters, sometimes garbed classically and sometimes re-imagined for today, looking for inspiration and transformation.  What character do you want to be? What role will you play in the grand scheme of things? It’s worth a thought or several.