One of my favorite authors in the world of natural healing is Susun Weed. The mindset of healing that she advocates is called the Wise Woman Tradition. It's simple, nourishing, empowering. I'm reminded of it today because I needed a day of doing nothing. There have been enough busy days in my life, that I needed to spend time doing as little as possible, resting, nourishing myself with simple family moments strung together. The steps talked about in Wise Woman Healing are these:
Step 0 - Do Nothing
Step 1 - Collect Information
Step 2 - Engage the Energy
Step 3 - Nourish and Tonify
Step 4 - Stimulate & Sedate
Step 5 - Use Drugs
Step 6 - Break & Enter
It's a matter of starting slow, respecting the body (and I'll broaden that to include mind, emotions, and soul, because it's all One after all) and its ability to heal and rebalance itself, and moving on in more intense steps bit by bit as it becomes necessary.
At some point in the day, I was sitting on the couch, reading a library book, thoroughly enjoying a chance to do some self exploration. It was one of those books where every few paragraphs you have to stop and think awhile and maybe do some writing about what's coming up for you. Out of my Doing Nothing, came Collecting Information. I was able to put a few pieces together about the origins of some of my anxious, sometimes catastrophic thoughts that arise from time to time. I learned to see that those thoughts can be seen as saboteurs of joy, because joy carries risk of loss with it. I took a nap soon after, paying attention to what my dreams were saying (Engaging the Energy), and came up with a couple ideas on how to better approach those anxious moments from a position that honors and nourishes my sense of self and belonging in the world. I can remind myself that I am Enough, that this moment is Enough, that there is Enough to be grateful for and allow myself to feel Joy about.
I do struggle with Anxiety. Yes, therapists have their own issues as well as anyone else does. It's been a companion of mine for a very long time, and I learn all the time about more ways that I can pay attention to it and learn to transform it into more comfortable feelings. The way I see it, listening to yourSelf when it speaks in small ways and only needs small interventions makes it so that you don't have to go down the road of intense pain and fear and big interventions so often.
And I have to wonder, will any of my readers be able to guess what book I was reading on my couch today? We shall see. :)
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Does Synchronicity Flirt with You Too? (Day 4(5) of 30)
I'm a big fan of synchronicity. In theory as well as practice. It strikes me as so cool that events and happenings in the external world can have so much to say about our internal world. From little things to big gasping coincidences that really aren't coincidental, it benefits us greatly to pay attention.
We used to call them "Object lessons." Dad was a pastor, and he used to have fun improvising them. He'd ask whatever group he was talking to to throw out a word. Then he'd build a little object lesson around it. Of course, at the time, the theme of every object lesson was something that applied to Christianity. "Hmmm, scissors? Let's see. Scissors are just Swords of Truth working in tandem, helping us cut away the waste from pages of life." While the themes that show up for me are much more broad now, I am very grateful for the early training in being able to spot things in the world around me and find meaning in them.
Yesterday one of my friends posted a link to this video. I loved the idea of the world around us, seen and unseen, flirting with us through things that catch our attention. A sign of affection, of our acceptance in the world around us, while at the same time communicating needed messages.
Sort of gives new meaning to the words of an old hymn that is coming back to me from the depths of memory all of a sudden..
We used to call them "Object lessons." Dad was a pastor, and he used to have fun improvising them. He'd ask whatever group he was talking to to throw out a word. Then he'd build a little object lesson around it. Of course, at the time, the theme of every object lesson was something that applied to Christianity. "Hmmm, scissors? Let's see. Scissors are just Swords of Truth working in tandem, helping us cut away the waste from pages of life." While the themes that show up for me are much more broad now, I am very grateful for the early training in being able to spot things in the world around me and find meaning in them.
Yesterday one of my friends posted a link to this video. I loved the idea of the world around us, seen and unseen, flirting with us through things that catch our attention. A sign of affection, of our acceptance in the world around us, while at the same time communicating needed messages.
Open my eyes, that I may see
glimpses of truth thou hast for me;
place in my hands the wonderful key
that shall unclasp and set me free.
Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit divine!
So, slow down, pay attention to what grabs your attention, and see what comes of it. You might be surprised!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Cycles: Resistance is Futile
There are things that come back into our lives over and over
again. Some are pleasant reminders, some are trials that we find ourselves
repeating variations of more times than we care to count or admit. You may not
be able to control the fact that the cycle happens, but there can be ways of
making a peaceful friend out of it. To illustrate, I’ll use the hormonal cycle
that happens on a relatively monthly basis for female bodied people, the effect
that seasonal changes have on our emotional state, and the phenomenon of
anniversaries of major life events.
See the positives
along with the negatives
In the case of female
hormone effects, yes, it can be true that our monthly cycle can be
inconvenient, uncomfortable, embarrassing, or turbulent. Much depends on the
messages we absorbed while growing into adulthood in a world with strange and
conflicting attitudes about women. When you see things through a mind-body
lens, you might ask questions like: What is my body asking me to do to take
care of myself right now? How do I feel about riding the waves of hormonal ebb
and flow? Can I honor my downs as well as my up times?
If
every time the wheel of the year turns toward cold and dark times, you find
yourself with low energy and mopey moods, you can recognize that on a visceral
level, your body is attuned to Nature. The light dims around you, which may
encourage your eyes to close. So meditate more, or take more naps perhaps. A
chill settles in, so see about bundling up with loved ones for more warm
cuddles, or make a slow simmering pot of nourishing soup. Maybe even call some
friends over to share your warmth, enhancing your sense of community and
belonging.
Anniversaries
arise for all sorts of things, both positive and negative. The day you
graduated from college may forever be a day for optimism and celebration for
you. The place you had your first date with the person who became your spouse
could likely always hold a special place in your heart. But also, there are
anniversaries like the day a parent died, that make you remember and grieve
afresh for a bit. Or the day that you survived an assault that each year brings
back a sense of pain and anxiety. If you aren’t aware of the day being a
significant one, the emotional up or down swing could take you by surprise and
be harder to incorporate into present day reality.
Have the agency to be
your own advocate when you need it
This suggestion especially
takes effect when the cyclical effect is negative to the point of needing
intervention. There are people whose menstrual cycles send them into deep
anxiety or depression, or make them miss out on significant parts of life
because of the pain they feel. If you need to, educate yourself on your
symptoms. Try some of the self-care and remedies that are suggested. If necessary,
see a medical and/or mental health professional for personalized support. If
what you need is solitude and a hot water bottle and a good book, then do what
you can to claim that. You can set your boundaries as needed and care for
yourself in ways you know are best for you.
Energy
ebb and flow on a seasonal basis may be something you are used to, and can
handle just fine most of the time. But if there comes a time when you find you
just can’t function at levels you need to, if you’re in over your head and
unable to self-care your way out of the tunnel, then likewise seek professional
help of whatever type you feel best. If you need to explain to your loved ones
that you’re not upset about anything, but you’re just feeling quiet for a
while, that’s fine. Do so. It actually sets a wonderful example of boundary
setting and stating your Truth clearly.
I know
someone who is quite familiar with the fact that the time between Thanksgiving
and Christmas is difficult for them for reasons of family losses during that
season. He is able to give those close to him a heads-up that he’ll likely be
more emotional and quiet then. Things like that can help. For me personally,
there often is a stretch in mid-February that reminds me of someone who was
special to me for a while. Knowing that time period is coming helps me not take
bittersweet moods too seriously. They will pass. My spouse knows that my mind
goes there sometimes, and doesn’t take it personally. If your anniversaries arrive bringing
triggers of trauma and unresolved grief that overwhelms you, that is likely a
sign to talk to a professional and get some extra support.
Mindfulness and
Body/Mind methods
I’m a
pretty big fan of meditation in general. It can settle emotional turbulence,
create a pause button between feeling and action or words, show you the messed
up things your mind tells yourself, and give access to greater peace and calm.
While meditating during your bleeding time, you might focus on the idea of
flowing water, or openness. During the highs of mid-cycle ovulation time,
meditation just eases your ability to feel blissful connection to other people
and the world around you. You may touch on a deep sensuality that you can bring
to the surface and enjoy alone or with a partner. Your body may tell you about
a food that it wants in order to find balance or pleasure. Why not listen to
that voice and try giving it what it wants?
Quieting
the mind enough to really be able to Feel and Be, can be so helpful. When
Nature turns dark and your energy feels gone, I wonder if you sank into your
body and brought awareness to what you’re feeling internally and externally,
would you find that actually your energy is Not gone, but has moved to another
place that you don’t normally think about. If, when you’re feeling depressed or
isolationist, you check in with your entire being, what does that actually feel
like? Give it descriptive words, get to know it on a more intimate level. Let
it talk to you, and respect what it has to say. It might become a seasonal
companion that walks by your side instead of a package of troublesome symptoms.
Anniversaries
ask for our attention to details that we don’t ordinarily think about. Scents
that remind you of other times, songs that wring emotion from you because they
were someone else’s favorite song, a kind of car you used to drive that for
some reason you keep seeing everywhere you go. Open your eyes to
synchronicities. They’re everywhere, and they can clue you in to layers of
meaning that can help you heal and grow. When your memories are more traumatic
than bittersweet, those reminders can more accurately be called Triggers. You
can tell that’s the case if your emotional reaction is out of proportion to the
current moment. Your body may feel agitated, cold, frozen in place, or ready to
lash out in violence of word or deed. When you recognize that that’s where
you’re at, it’s time to be really gentle with yourself, as if you were a
beloved friend who’s in the middle of a crisis situation. In your mind, you
really are in crisis mode. Breathe deeply. Put on some wordless music that can
soothe you. Ask for a hug. Drink a glass of water. When the reaction starts to
subside, then you can look into why it happened that way for you. Find a
trusted friend or professional to help contain your experience and memories and
reactions with you.
We all have cyclical things that we deal with. Regardless of
gender or age or ethnicity or anything else, it’s part of being human. The moon
and stars and sun and earth beneath us move in cycles, and we are made of that
stuff deep in our cells, so we do too. Flowing with it is much more meaningful
than resisting it.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
When Therapy Works (Day 3/30)
Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
(refrain:)x2
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
(refrain)
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
When you've faced down what scares and shames you. When you allowed yourself to truly Feel the residue of things you thought you'd left behind you long ago, When you've cracked yourself open, both to yourself and to your trusted therapist, and gotten to know areas of your Soul/Psyche that you might not have even known were there when you started on your journey. Then you may find that there come times where you feel a grand spaciousness open up inside you. You can run with confidence through the field and not worry about tripping into landmines. You can gaze up at the sky and feel its largeness reflected in your Being. You look in the mirror and see the sparkle that you arrived in this lifetime to share with the world looking back at you. Love blossoms in you, for yourself and the world you live in. It's not that the pains you suffered cease to exist, but they get to become badges of honor that tell you what you've lived through and grown from. They are the darker threads that weave through the tapestry that is you, providing a contrast that lets your gloriousness shine all the brighter. You finally feel at home in your skin, secure in your place and your worth. You are unique, special, powerful, with amazing contributions to make to the world and your fellow travelers. Go be that! Go do that!
Monday, February 23, 2015
A sampling of good books on BDSM (Day 2 of 30)
Everyone who hasn’t been holed up in a cave for the past few
years likely knows about the 50 Shades series of books out there. And all
variations of media are talking about the movie, which came out this
Valentine’s Day. Some people love it and are overflowing with excitement about
seeing the movie, or are now on the lookout for their own version of Christian
and/or Ana. Others are decrying the whole trend as an example of perversion and
abuse. Still others love BDSM, whether in private or in community, and are
saddened and/or upset by the portrayal of what should be a consensual
relationship built on trust and intensity instead of pressure and lack of
communication. Whatever your personal perspective, the fact remains that this
surge of interest in these books is translating into a greater exposure and
experimentation with the world of kink.
It’s a world I am happy to be a part of, personally. I
discovered kink in 2000, and it’s been a part of my relationships in varying
degrees ever since. The local community here in Denver has shifted and morphed
(as things like this do) since then, but I’m still a part of it. I decided to
write this blog entry to share with my readers some of the books that have been
foundational for myself and others I know. They are written by people who live
it and are passionate about it, and have the voice of knowledge and experience
and perspective to share with the public. There are other books out there that
are well-written and good reads, but I chose to only include ones that I
have personal knowledge of.
The Basics
Ultimate Guide to Kink
This
book is a compilation of writings on lots of kinky subjects, by various kinky
presenters. The editor wrote the intro and first chapter, which is on
definitions. There’s a lot of experience and awesome perspectives presented in
this book. From the intro, “This book is for everyone who dares to expand their
erotic horizons beyond the ordinary. For all hose who like to give and receive
intense sensations. For the people who eroticize power and cultivate
consciousness in sex and relationships. For anyone who loves to dance on the
line between pleasure and pain. For folks who nurture naked creativity and make
fantasies come to life. This book is about kink.”
50 Shades of Kink
This is the one book on my list today that I haven’t
actually read. I stumbled across it when searching for my links, and decided to
give it a nod here as well. The author is someone whose perspective I
appreciate and trust a lot, and it’s so directly tied into the reason for this
writing in the first place that how could I resist? It’s now on my wishlist to
read sometime soon.
Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns
Many people find their way to kink through this book. It’s
an excellent starter set of info for beginners. You’ll learn about definitions
of words and concepts like sadism, masochism, dominance, submission. All kinds
of different activities are introduced, from spanking to wax to biting to
roleplay. It covers safety and consent in easily understood ways: which areas
of the body are safe and fun to play with, how to talk about what you want and
don’t want to happen in an interaction with someone. There are plenty of
illustrations to show in visual ways how things can work out. In general, Screw
the Roses will get you started in a safe and fun manner, and give you tools to
find out what could come next for you in your kink journey.
SM101
This book was actually the first one I read, personally, on
my path of discovering the dark side of sex. I devoured it in about 48 hours.
Jay covers the topic thoroughly and reasonably, with a solid eye toward safety,
which is so important. His use of quotes on the sidebars brings the subject
matter into focus nicely, and shows a bit of the variety of experiences that
are out there to be had. There are sections with practical how-to’s to get your
feet wet with, and sections with discussion of theory and role and motivation.
It has a bit more of a mature tone than Screw the Roses, but is a very
accessible read as well.
Roles and Perspectives
The Topping Book
This book, and its counterpart that is next in the list, do
a good job at showing the difference in perspective between the person who
likes giving the sensation (the Top) and the one who likes receiving it (the
Bottom). The authors collected personal experiences from people who live it and
love it on both sides of the equation. The headspace of the Top includes
feelings of personal power, responsibility, the rush of timelessness, and the
control that comes from having someone grant you the trust over them and their
experience moment by moment. "In any S/M exchange there is a sharing of power - the bottom lends his power to the top for the duration, the top adds power, and together they make a lot of voltage. The top gets to wield all this power, a form of extreme empowerment that is exciting, thrilling, hot, erotic, and very very sexy." (The Topping Book, pg 10-11)
There are similarities in the Bottom’s headspace,
but it also includes the sensation of being held, the surrender to the will of
a trusted partner, freedom from having to make choices, riding waves of
endorphins from the physical interactions with the Top. Some of the benefits to bottoming that this book includes are, "lowers the boundaries...feeling desired...feeling nurtured or taken care of...it's incredibly cathartic... turns our brains off...a chance to please the people we care about...just plain puts us in overdrive" (The Bottoming Book, pg 12-13) The authors have
included some good information about negotiation, consent, and aftercare in
both as well.
The Bottoming Book
Slavecraft
There are those out there who crave a more encompassing
handing over of control to another. For them, the label of Slave can feel
appropriate. Slavecraft goes in depth about the motivations and mindset that
goes along with that desire, with essays from various writers who describe what it is about what they do that fulfills them. It discusses how to find the right person to pair
up with in a relationship like this, things to make sure you talk about with
them before committing to it, the giving of service from a willing and open
heart, the struggle to trust on an ongoing basis, the devotion that can be
possible in a relationship built on surrender and service. It’s a nice look
into a specific sort of connection that appeals to some, but not all.
Bondage and Toys
Bondage for Sex
You can do bondage to create beautiful designs on a lover’s
body. You can do bondage that creates painful predicaments. There are many
reasons to get some rope out. This book talks specifically about ways to use
rope and bondage to enhance your sex with your partner. The ties are easy and
functional for bedroom use. There are illustrations given for stages along the
process, so you can see how things are supposed to lie on the body for safety
and comfort.
The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage
The photography in this book is stunning, and the author's expertise in the subject shines through brightly. She includes bits of inner perspective from both the Top and Bottom viewpoints, and at times gives some history of the techniques she's including. There's simple things to try, and more elaborate ropework to sink into.
Kinky Crafts
You may be captivated by images of dungeons stocked with
shiny metal and rich leather furniture, but you certainly don’t need a lot of
money, or loads of bells and whistles to have a kinky good time with a lover.
There’s lots of fun toys you can make on your own, with a trip to your local
home improvement/hardware store (there’s a reason it’s affectionately known as
Dom Depot). Here’s a book full of instructions on how to make bondage devices,
spanking toys, clips and clamps and furniture with minimal DIY skills.
Fiction and Fantasy
Kushiel’s Series
Looking for a good read with high quality writing, hot sex,
and spicy kink? Kushiel’s Legacy is definitely worth a try. The main character
is a woman who learned early on that she experiences pain and pleasure
together. She comes of age in a society that is built around the principle of
“Love as thou wilt”, that sees sex as a spiritual practice, and becomes a woman
of power and influence. It makes for a delightfully sex positive, pansexual
culture. There’s espionage, political intrigue, romance, betrayal, and
beautiful descriptions laced all through it. Can’t recommend it highly enough.
The Marketplace Series
The 6th book just came out recently, and I haven’t
read it yet, but definitely plan to. This series weaves multiple characters
together through the theme of voluntary, contracted erotic slavery. There are
gender expressions and sexual orientation configurations to please just about
anyone, making it a beautifully pansexual read. The characters are seen going
through personal struggles in their sexual journey at times, as well as being
thoroughly delighted by the choices they make and the situations they find
themselves in. You may well find yourself emotionally invested in one or more
characters, eagerly awaiting the next phase in their story.
The House of Dark Delights
There’s a lot of various kinds of edgy sex in this book and
the other that follows it. Supernatural beings engaging with humans,
shapeshifters, kinky encounters, voyeuristic scenes, just to elaborate on a few
kinds of edges. The fantasy element runs strong, and the sex is hot.
There are many other good books out there, but this
selection can give the curious seekers a good place to start. If you want to go
further, visit your local sex or leather shop, ask the people there what they
recommend (which is sometimes very different than what is popular), and maybe
think about seeking out a community of actual kinky people in your local area.
We usually love talking about what it is that we do and why we do it. Look for
things called Munches, and take some workshops if there is something offered
that looks interesting to you. See if you can find your feet in what it is that
you are looking for, then go out and find that. Happy kinky explorations to
you!
www.alternaterootscounseling.com
Heather Austin, LPCC, NCC
303-522-8839
Sunday, February 22, 2015
FAQ's (Day 1 of 30-day challenge I'm embarking on)
What do you do?
I’m a
counselor. I work with adults and the occasional older adolescent seeking
support for mental health, emotional and personal transformation difficulties. I
generally work with one person at a time, but also see couples or other numbers
of intimately connected people together at times.
Do you take
insurance?
I don’t.
And I likely won’t in the future either. I like being able to practice with as
few pieces of red tape to deal with as possible. My focus is on individualized
work that evolves organically between myself and my client. I do, however,
offer my clients a nicely accessible sliding scale. It is important to me that
my services not be part of the problem of mental health being a classist
system. Everyone deserves to be able to seek support and find it.
What type of
counseling do you do?
My work with clients tends
to be flavored like Jungian work, or it’s more modern equivalent of Archetypal/Depth
work. I am interested in getting to the why’s of what’s going on. Usually that
happens through playing with images seen in dreams and what books/movies/tv/
music/video games a client is drawn to. Together we face a client’s Shadow,
their Inner Child, Masculine and Feminine, or Inner Parents, for example. We
touch on issues of Soul through personal ritual and journeys of personal
transformation.
Do you work with….(insert
mental health concern of your choice here)?
I have yet to find a
diagnosis or label that I wouldn’t be willing to work with. The theoretical
stance I come from is widely applicable. What I *don’t* do, however, is offer
quick solutions for concrete/specific problems. If you’re looking for someone
to give you quick tools to stop smoking or get past a phobia or communicate an
important truth to your spouse, then I am likely not the counselor for you. I’d
want to help you dive into what you are covering up with your addictive
behavior, or what your specific phobia is telling you about your Soul life, or
help you be more comfortable with owning and expressing your Truth in general.
What do you
specialize in?
The bottom line for me is
always that the client is the expert in themselves. There are things that I
very much enjoy working with and have developed a particular level of expertise
in. For example, Gender. Many of my clients are unique in their expression of
gender. They likely reject the binary of male/female, and I understand and
agree with getting beyond that binary. Then there’s Shame. So many people feel
that there’s something about them that is just unacceptable. They hide and deny
and avoid sharing it with people, and it gets in the way of intimacy and
confidence for them. Many times that Shame is centered around something related
to Sexuality. For some it’s orientations other than straight. For others, it’s
being into the world of BDSM, or being non-monogamous. They are deeply drawn to
something other than what they see portrayed as the culturally approved
lifestyle, and thus feel like they are flawed. Another specialty is dealing
with wounds received through religion, or the search for one’s uniquely
authentic spiritual path.
Want to know more? Call me and ask!
www.alternaterootscounseling.com
303-522-8839
www.alternaterootscounseling.com
303-522-8839
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Love, Sweet Love
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. This day,
supposedly full of warm fuzzies loving thoughts and gestures, can also be full
of landmines and emotional turbulence. Why is that? And how the heck can we
make it a better day? Whether single or partnered, focusing some energy on love
and relationships can and should be positive and pleasant.
There are few things that make us more vulnerable than
entering into relationship with another person. We can control our world if we
are the only inhabitants of it, but adding other people in means that there is
an element of the unpredictable. We crave connection, deeply and intimately.
Some more than others, yes, but human beings are not meant to fly solo their
whole lives. The media builds up that expectation even more for us, showing
images of romantic couples looking deeply into each other’s eyes, touching
hearts and bodies in seemingly perfect union. Or it fails to show us the kind
of relationships that we need, especially if we are attracted to similarly
gendered people to us, if we want our romantic relationships to be shaded with
kink, or if we don’t stop with having only one romantic relationship. Not
feeling represented creates deeper feelings of isolation and the potential for
shame because we are different from the wider society around us.
Or perhaps your history is marked by being hurt by those who
were supposed to have loved you. So now love doesn't feel like a safe emotion
to experience. Valentine’s Day serves to remind you of that pain, rather than
creating warm feelings of intimacy and connection. If you’re single, whether or
not that state is intentional for you, you could very likely feel entirely left
out of a holiday designed to emphasize love. But loving your self is healing
and healthy and necessary, so that becomes a good option to focus on. Practice
some wholehearted love for yourself. Give yourself treatment that pleases you,
that shows you what a valuable and lovable creature you really are. This can
be a profoundly healing and nurturing gesture that doesn't require a partner.
If you are partnered, whether with one or more people, it
can sometimes be hard to clearly communicate what speaks love to us. Sometimes
we don’t know. Sometimes we fear that our partner won’t respond well to our
needs and requests. But finding a way to tell a partner what we want our day of
love to contain is an important aspect to connection and intimacy. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) Love
Languages is one of my favorite tools in helping partners find greater ease in
this regard. In my case, Touch and Words of Affirmation are my top languages.
So when I need to feel intimately connected to a partner, I have learned to ask
for physical contact (nonsexual and sexual both), or for them to dish to me
about their emotional state regarding me and our relationship. For holidays like Valentine’s Day, a card
with a handwritten note on it telling me how someone feels about me means a lot
more than gifts or flowers. Find what speaks love for you personally, and tell
your partner. And then listen to them when they reciprocate!
May your hearts be filled to overflowing, on Valentine’s Day
and throughout the year! Long live Love!
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
An Interesting Thing about Privilege…
Gender has become one of my favorite subjects. I’ve been
partnered with more than one person with fluid or trans or ambiguous gender
expression, supported them through finding their truth and figuring out how to live
it in the world, and have clients with varying gender expressions. I feel quite
solid in my non-binary worldview. Much has been in the news about all the
controversy people make over trans people and bathroom usage, tossing around
language of predatory behavior and sexualization in the process. I’ve never been
one of those. I just figure that people know which door they feel most aligned
with going into, and leave it at that. The question smacks of heteronormativity
in a big way too, assuming that similarly gendered people don’t objectify or
make gestures toward each other. It’s important to me to address bias and
assumptions whenever possible, in myself and in others when appropriate.
So, I’ll come right out and name the privilege pieces that I
can claim. I’m white, cis-gender, highly educated, lower-middle class, able
bodied, neuro-typical. There are other ways in which I’m not privileged. I’m female,
queer, polyamorous, kinky, alternatively spiritual, and overweight. I try to
remain aware of when my privilege is in effect, and to do what I can to
alleviate the imbalance that can create. That said, I had an experience
recently that brought my cis-privilege home for me to a new level.
This week I attended the volunteer orientation for the
Creating Change conference, put on by the National LGBTQ Task Force, which
happens to be in Denver this year. I’ve never been to the conference before,
but it looks like a fabulous week full of activism and leadership and
exploration into how to build a more equitable and friendly culture for all
types of people. They took over a large hotel downtown, and resigned all the
bathrooms Gender Neutral. I understand and fully support this, but my reactions
to it included a few surprises. Looking at both doors, not sure which one I
should use, thinking to myself “What if I pick the ‘wrong’ one, and someone
using a urinal is uncomfortable with my being there? What if I need to dispose
of menstrual supplies? Is it cool to throw them out in the regular trash? Or do
I need to pack them out?” I found myself waiting nearby, half hoping to see
someone else enter or leave one of the doors, so I’d better know where I
belonged. Then the a-ha hit that this was cis-privilege in action. These kind
of questions arise for non-cis people all the time. I got a little delighted by
this realization, and dove into my discomfort, and just went into a bathroom.
The experience left me with an increased awareness of the
variety of experiences people can have in a world so steeped in binary
assumptions, and furthered my desire to be an active ally in the realm of
gender expression. Part of being responsible with one’s privilege is learning
to use it consciously in the service of those without it. The journey of
awareness doesn’t really stop. It deepens and takes on more subtlety in texture
and nuance. It’s a fantastic journey to take though!
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