Love, Sweet Love

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. This day, supposedly full of warm fuzzies loving thoughts and gestures, can also be full of landmines and emotional turbulence. Why is that? And how the heck can we make it a better day? Whether single or partnered, focusing some energy on love and relationships can and should be positive and pleasant.

There are few things that make us more vulnerable than entering into relationship with another person. We can control our world if we are the only inhabitants of it, but adding other people in means that there is an element of the unpredictable. We crave connection, deeply and intimately. Some more than others, yes, but human beings are not meant to fly solo their whole lives. The media builds up that expectation even more for us, showing images of romantic couples looking deeply into each other’s eyes, touching hearts and bodies in seemingly perfect union. Or it fails to show us the kind of relationships that we need, especially if we are attracted to similarly gendered people to us, if we want our romantic relationships to be shaded with kink, or if we don’t stop with having only one romantic relationship. Not feeling represented creates deeper feelings of isolation and the potential for shame because we are different from the wider society around us.

Or perhaps your history is marked by being hurt by those who were supposed to have loved you. So now love doesn't feel like a safe emotion to experience. Valentine’s Day serves to remind you of that pain, rather than creating warm feelings of intimacy and connection. If you’re single, whether or not that state is intentional for you, you could very likely feel entirely left out of a holiday designed to emphasize love. But loving your self is healing and healthy and necessary, so that becomes a good option to focus on. Practice some wholehearted love for yourself. Give yourself treatment that pleases you, that shows you what a valuable and lovable creature you really are. This can be a profoundly healing and nurturing gesture that doesn't require a partner.

If you are partnered, whether with one or more people, it can sometimes be hard to clearly communicate what speaks love to us. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we fear that our partner won’t respond well to our needs and requests. But finding a way to tell a partner what we want our day of love to contain is an important aspect to connection and intimacy. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) Love Languages is one of my favorite tools in helping partners find greater ease in this regard. In my case, Touch and Words of Affirmation are my top languages. So when I need to feel intimately connected to a partner, I have learned to ask for physical contact (nonsexual and sexual both), or for them to dish to me about their emotional state regarding me and our relationship.  For holidays like Valentine’s Day, a card with a handwritten note on it telling me how someone feels about me means a lot more than gifts or flowers. Find what speaks love for you personally, and tell your partner. And then listen to them when they reciprocate!

May your hearts be filled to overflowing, on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year! Long live Love!