This is something kids get told a lot. It's an important skill to learn and get good at. And we're not born with it, not by a long shot. If you're a parent, you're probably used to seeing behaviors that surprise you, don't make sense on the surface, or seem to come out of nowhere. The thing is, in the mind of your child, there's probably a lot going on behind that behavior, and if you can get under the surface, you'll find out what's really going on.
Sometimes emotions are really hard to put words to. They get messy and complicated, and even adults with good emotional intelligence and a way with words can have a hard time expressing them clearly so that someone can understand them. The clues are there, if you look for them and pay attention. In a session with a client, I will often ask them to tell me how their body is feeling as they talk about something that's going on for them. We will talk about feelings in descriptive language, picturesque metaphors, and give it a name or identity outside of themselves. We try on emotion words for suitability and experiment to find something that resonates.
When it's a child, sometimes they haven't learned the words for what they're feeling yet, so they use their behavior to express what their words can't. It's part of being the adult to help them learn the words they need. When they feel heard and understood, the behaviors don't have to be so strong anymore. We watch them, use our empathy, and test the waters of their emotions with them. Sometimes we have to get creative about how we describe an emotion. I remember well when my kiddo needed to learn what "embarrassed" was about. I got the feeling she was at the age where that particular emotion was surfacing, and tried to describe it as something like "you feel bad inside, like someone is picking on you and you want to hide, or you did something wrong and people are looking at you and not liking you." These days, she uses that word often, sometimes seemingly inaccurately, but still, she feels empowered around that emotion. The nuances of meaning can come with time.
It's entirely normal to feel jumbled up, like you've got a big wad of tangled up feelings in your lap and you don't know where to start untangling and expressing them. It's a process, to be sure. And if you find it's too big a mess, then ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that either. Human beings are complex, convoluted packages of mostly water. We are fluid and ever-evolving. But we are beautiful in our messes too.
