When you decide to bring an animal into your life, smart and
responsible pet people go through a few thought processes. What is my living
situation? What kind of care can I give to an animal who lives with me? You
think about things like lifestyle and personality. Would I rather have a pet
who thrives on cuddles and petting, or an independent soul like myself who can
happily coexist with me without getting in my face for affection? How active a
life do I lead? You get a sense of yourself in a deeper way when you start
looking at your life through the eyes of a potential animal companion.
Then you might start researching breeds and their inherent characteristics
to find a good potential match for what you have to offer. Some dogs have a strong territorial drive.
They will defend you and your property without thinking twice about it. Some have
a more fearful nature and will take cover behind your legs at the suggestion of
a threat. There are breeds to avoid if you aren’t willing to give them fairly
intense activity. Others are so smart that their people need to rise to the
challenge and train them diligently.
What if when you go to the adoption shelter, some dog of
unknown pedigree catches your eye and your heart and declares that they are
yours? You, being the diehard pet person that you are, honor that moment and
take that dog home with you. Then you find yourself getting to know them from
scratch. You ask yourself, are the behaviors I’m witnessing inherent to their
breed? Or is it the result of bad life experiences or previous people they’ve
belonged with? You have to be wise, compassionate, and savvy to build that
relationship with that animal.
Now, let’s juxtapose this analogy on building relationships
with fellow humans. In a way, it’d be really nice to be able to know ourselves
so well that we can be entirely conscious about searching for and finding a
partner. We could have a checklist of traits and characteristics that we have,
and that we are looking for. Match them up, and voila! A happy partnership til
death do us part! What a beautiful fantasy! And perhaps one of the things that
arranged marriage proponents are trying to achieve.
Most of us take the ‘shelter’ route to partnership. The
people we are attracted to and fall in love with have had a multitude of life
experiences and relationships that have gone into making them who they are. Sometimes
that’s been positive, and sometimes not so much. Sometimes they are conscious of
the influences they’ve had, sometimes not. But we take them into our lives, merge with them,
then continue the process of finding out who they are.
It’s such a trite saying, but true nonetheless. You can’t
change your partner, so don’t try. There are inherent ‘breed characteristics’
that each person has. If you try to train them out, you will only end up in
endless conflict and frustration that grows into resentment on both parts.
Modification may be possible and needed, in order to fit smoothly into each
others’ lives, but if you can’t love someone for who they really are, then
maybe they’re not ultimately the right match for you. There’s no shame in that,
and no blame. What works wonderfully for one, is the exactly wrong thing for
another.
But relationship dissolution or transition is a subject for
another entry…
