Thoughts on a Snowy Day

Like all of us Denverites, I woke up this morning to a field of diffuse white light coming from my window. The snow rolled in enforce last night while we slept. Now this morning I'm thinking about snow days.

When I was a kid, hearing that it had snowed enough to cancel school was a treat on a par with a surprise trip to our favorite amusement park. Mom would make something hot for breakfast, usually oatmeal, which I didn't like, but would eat a bowl of as quickly as I could so that I could get on to bigger and better things...building a snowman, dragging out the saucer sled and hitting a hill, digging a cave in a recently plowed pile, or laying on my belly examining the tiny wonders that delicate snowflakes are when you look close enough. I didn't care about getting cold and wet. That really didn't matter compared to a day off in a winter wonderland.

Now, as an adult, things are a little different. Work may or may not be cancelled. You don't know until you get up and get a phone call or go online to check. It could turn into a day off, or a slow and sloppy drive to work surrounded by other drivers who are less than thrilled with the gifts of Mother Nature. The questions become, how do you really feel about changing plans? and what do you do with the surprise time off when you have it?

Grown-ups tend to be creatures of habit. We like our routine. We depend on it to know how to structure our lives. Take it away, and we may get angry or anxious or both. You could spend a snow day fretting about all the work that's not getting done at the office. Or you could feel the road rage begin when you are surrounded by people who own SUVs with fat snow tires and local license plates who still act like they've never encountered this terrifying white fluff from above. Or instead, you could take the opportunity to breath deep and relax into the day. Those people you work with may have to realize that the deadlines and pressures they feel day in and day out will not come crashing down on them if you are late or absent even. You may be irreplaceable, but a team needs to rely on each other and be flexible enough to adjust to unforseen things like weather. And as far as road and driver conditions go, a snowy day could be just the tool to help you practice compassion and pacing yourself. Take a cue from yoga philosophy and view those who share the road with you through an open-hearted attitude. You are all having the same challenges this morning. People handle challenges in all different ways, whatever way they have learned works best for them. Maybe take a moment to realize that that slow and erratic driver in front of you is really scared, for whatever reason. Take a deep breath in and out to center yourself, then another inhale full of the cool and calm light around you, and exhale it as a blessing toward that person.

If, on the other hand, you do get a day off at home to yourself, how can you turn it into the same kind of gift that a snow day was when you were a kid? How long has it been since you had a handful of hours to do with as you wish? What is it that your Soul has been craving and not getting through your busy life? Do you need to play? Pack your gear and head for the hills for some serious winter recreation. Or put on some fantastic music in your house and get your groove on all by yourself. Do you need to create? It's the perfect day for a slow cooker full of stew and a loaf of fresh bread in the oven. Or those art supplies you've been neglecting in the cabinet may need to come out and fill your hands with creative process. Do you need nurturing? How about a soak in a hot bath and some luxurious aromatherapy products. Or a blanket on the couch with a season of your favorite tv escapism to catch up on. Has your spiritual side been starving for attention? Maybe it's the perfect day for silence and meditation, or performing whatever personal ritual gets you connected to that which is beyond you.

In a life filled with activity, busyness, pressure and obligations; it becomes all the more essential that we take time for rest, recreation, and renewal. Snowy days may be Mother Nature's perfect gift for us to do just that. For me, I've got my favorite radio station streaming. I'll be spending some quiet time meditating in front of my personal altar today, getting out my art supplies to see what wants to be played with, and hopefully creating some culinary deliciousness for dinner. How about you?

I See You

Why is it so hard to let yourself be seen? And I’m not talking about eyeballs receiving the nerve stimulus that translates in brains that you are present. I’m talking about people seeing who you really are…dropping the mask just a little bit when someone looks into your eyes and letting them see into your Soul.  Making deep connections with people is a beautiful gift, but like many valuable gifts, it’s hard to accept at times. How often do we hear people say, when given something precious, “Oh I can’t accept that. It’s too much.”? There are many reasons for this, but they likely fall into a few themes.

I don’t deserve it. I’m unworthy to accept something this special. I haven’t done anything to earn this.

If I accept this, I’m worried that it’ll obligate me to give something back that has equal value.

If I show how truly delighted I am with this, I become exposed and vulnerable. So I’ll just pretend I don’t want it.

One of the beautiful things about therapy that many are shaken by when they first experience it, is that for a small space of time, you are sitting with someone who Sees you. You find a place of trust with them that allows you to feel safe enough to begin dropping that mask. Little by little, you relax and open your dark places. When you do, you see that this person still accepts you unconditionally, and can help you see your wholeness within the pieces.

You earned the right to this by being as fully human as anyone else, flaws and all. And the structured nature of the therapeutic alliance means that questions of obligation are null and void. The sticking point comes in the fear of vulnerability. Some are afraid that the struggles they are dealing with are too much for anyone to handle. Some realize that if they show someone else what is inside them, they will have to face it themselves, and they aren’t sure they are really ready to do that. Being vulnerable to oneself is sometimes the harder task. Many people are used to being disappointed by their interpersonal experiences. Enough people have let them down that they hold their armor quite close and tight now, out of a self-protection instinct that has sadly become warranted. As a therapist, I consider it a distinct honor and responsibility to be let into the gaps in someone’s armor. It is part of the calling that is my career that I do everything in my power to provide an experience that begins the work of correcting the track record of misplaced trust and wariness, replacing it with unconditional open-eyed acceptance and appreciation.

To close, I offer this song, as a way to describe the feelings behind being Seen.

Not one, but two...

Shadows surround us. Bright and Dark, we try not to look too deeply into either one. The concept began with Carl Jung, that we each have a Shadow side that holds that which we avoid or deny the existence of in ourselves. It’s easy to recognize the dark scary things like the unknown chaser in your dream that you keep trying to run faster from and just can’t escape as Shadow figures. But how about that celebrity in your other dream that picks you out of the crowd and beckons you onstage with them? Can you imagine them as a different part of your Shadow? In both cases you may feel the adrenaline rush of anxiety, wake up with your heart pounding, or ask yourself “Wth was that all about??” upon waking.

It’s a pretty natural human response to avoid that which scares us. Fight or flight is a powerful instinct that serves us well, when it saves us from a true predator situation. But when the threat isn’t a threat to our existence, but only to our assumptions and comfort zones, it serves us better to turn and face what we fear. If we can look at it with openness to the possibility that it is actually there to offer us gifts we didn’t even know we had access to, then all of a sudden our world gets richer, and our sense of Self gets larger and stronger.

Because I’m an optimist, always preferring to look for the silver lining, find the blessing lens to flip down in front of a challenge, and say “it could be so easily worse”, I offer the following from the positive side first.

(Adapted from an exercise in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford)

To explore some of what may be awaiting you in your Bright Shadow, first think about someone you think so highly of that you would call them a hero, idolize them, look up to the example they set. This person could be alive now, or someone from history, someone you know personally, or someone who’s only on your bucket list. When you’ve found that person in your thoughts, hold them there, picture them as clearly as you can, and feel the emotions that flow when you dwell on them. Then open your eyes and spend a few minutes writing down words and phrases that describe them. Try not to censor yourself or pass any judgment on the words that come to mind and end up on the paper. Write their name on the page somewhere for future reference.

Turn the paper over and think for a few minutes about a person that you can’t stand the thought of. You are offended by them, you shudder at the thought of what they’ve done or the kind of person they are, you don’t care to ever be in their presence. Just like before, this could be someone you actually know, or not. They could be current or past, larger than life, or the kid down the street that picked on you.  And like before, allow them to come to life in your thoughts for a few minutes. Make a list on the paper of the words and phrases that come to mind describing them, and write their name down as well.

Go up to the top of the page, and read each item on the list, starting each phrase with their name…

                Uncle Jack is too loud. Uncle Jack is rude. Uncle Jack yells all the time.

Now it’s time to look in the Dark Mirror. Go back to the top of the list, and exchange the person in the sentence…

                I am too loud. I am rude. I yell all the time.

One more time, read the list, this time slowly and out loud, exploring the potential truth of the words.

                I am too loud…..I am rude…..I yell all the time….

Sit in quietness for a few minutes, or perhaps take out your journal and write down your reactions and revelations. Then it’ll be time to return to the happier territory of the Bright Mirror.

Flip to the list of traits describing your positive person. And go through this exercise with them in mind instead…

                Marie Curie was brilliant. Marie Curie was curious. Marie Curie was dedicated.

                I am brilliant. I am curious. I am dedicated.

                I am brilliant…..I am curious…..I am dedicated…..

Again, spend some time letting these truths and potentials settle in. Which set of words was harder for you to apply to yourself? I’d guess both are pretty hard to hear. But the thing about the Shadow, is that it helps us learn that what we see in others, either to hate or to love, is something we may likely be projecting onto them from that which we hide from in ourselves.

In the never-ending quest for self-awareness, I find this exercise and ones like it to be a tremendously valuable tool. May you find nuggets of Truth about your Self around every corner, and thus your life will become richer and more fascinating all the time.