Do Not Touch

Today I'm reminded that sometimes big lessons come in small packages.
Lately, I've been surrounded by situations and conversations about consent violations and the importance of having strong personal boundaries. I've become more involved and active in this area than ever before, and it feels really good! But it's not really about doing what feels good. It's more importantly about doing what's hard but absolutely needed.

I came across an analogy in "Better Boundaries", by Jan Black and Greg Enns, that works well when talking about boundaries and setting limits. Think about yourself and your limits as if they were the velvet cord that keeps museum guests from getting too close to artifacts or artwork. Your energy levels, your emotions, your body, your life, your Self, are all every bit as valuable as the things housed in museums. You are one of a kind and irreplaceable. It makes sense to put barriers in place to protect that. Going with that analogy, I'll share a story.

I'm a mom. My daughter is 5. There are few things I want more in life than to be able to help her value and protect herself. If there is something I can do or teach her that can help her avoid becoming part of the horrible sexual assault statistics that are part of our world these days, I am sure as hell going to do it! Rape culture abounds. The first part of our sex ed talks at our house is about body ownership and setting strong boundaries.

So, today is Earth Day. The local Botanic Gardens was having a free day, so we went. There's a sculpture display going on throughout the gardens, to complement the beauties Mama Nature is showing off. Little girl loves art these days, so we had a conversation about it on our way in.

"Remember that it's important to stay outside the fence or wire and not touch the sculptures, right?"
"Yeah, because we don't want to break them. We have to follow the rules."
"Yep, you're right. No matter how pretty it is, if the sign says 'don't touch', we don't get to touch. Why else shouldn't we touch it?"
"Because we might get it dirty and then it wouldn't be as pretty."
"That's a good one too. The artist who made the sculpture wants it to look a certain way, and we need to let it be that way."

I couldn't help but be struck by the double meanings here. Rape prevention has to start early these days. Bad things happen. There are many things that can be done to make them less likely to happen. No way in the world do I want her growing up fearful and paranoid. But I do want her to have the tools to recognize danger signs, and to stay away from situations where she'd be more likely to meet danger in the first place. So, we talk about a few very simple and very powerful concepts.

- Your body is yours and no one else's.
- No one has the right to do things with it unless you say so.
- Ask before touching. Sometimes even a hug is too much for someone. Respect the 'No'.
- If something makes you feel weird butterflies in your stomach, it's ok to use your big loud mean voice to say no and get away.
- Absolutely no one gets exceptions to this, no matter who they are.

I'll end by saying, if you're a parent, teach your children how valuable they are and how to protect that. If you're a friend or partner of someone who has been through a boundary or consent violation, take them seriously and show them the respect that they deserve. If someone draws a boundary with you and says 'don't touch', whether verbally or non-verbally, then don't do it! Simple. Not saying 'no' is not the same as saying 'yes'.

A Little Dreamwork

I love dreams! I love my own, and I love working with dreams that clients bring into our sessions. I find them to be very valuable windows into the unconscious world, full of imagery and symbolism that is important to the individual, whether they are consciously aware of that or not.

Currently, I’m getting a Dream Group started, for people who are likewise fascinated and interested in their own dreams, and would like to work with them together. As an example of what that might look like, I offer one from my own nighttime wanderings.  We had watched a movie before going to sleep, a recent award winner about a historic event in my lifetime. If you’ve also seen it, you’ll likely recognize some themes. And in discussing the dream after re-telling it, I will address the issue of popular culture references showing up in dreams and what to make of them.

There is a need to smuggle a few people out of state. To do that, my partner and I go to a gun show with a crate full of knives and guns. The guns are sold, and the knives get sharpened and repaired. We talk to the dealers there, and hope that they can’t tell how out of place we are. We arrange for “the Canadian singer Celine Dion” to act as escort. The windows of the car are smeared and fogged over, including the windshield, looking like it’s been hand-waxed but not buffed off. We load the crate that now holds someone we’re smuggling into the car and leave. They are silent for a while, and then a small girl pops out of the box and starts talking. We remind her to stay in there and be quiet, and we keep going.

It’s important when writing or re-telling dreams, to use the present tense in your language. This brings the dream back into the moment, into the room with you as a living presence. In a group situation, it can be helpful as well to re-tell the dream again. The second time, different details may come out, or different wording used will point to another perspective on the dream.

Then, maybe as in this case, there will be an obvious parallel to address, or an anomaly may need to be addressed. In this case, images and themes from a movie showed up. In another case, maybe it becomes clear that the sausage pizza and ice cream right before bed have had an influence on your dreamscape. I’m not saying dreams in either of those cases are any less valid, or have anything less to communicate to us. They just may be using different language. The unconscious world is a place of power and wisdom. It will use whatever imagery is available to talk to us about our Selves. The key, as in all dream work, is to invite the dreamer to provide the meaning to the symbols that show up. Things will mean very different things to different people. Each individual is the expert in their own dreamworld.

After re-telling the dream, it’s time to play with associations for the images in the dream. The group can help with this, in a sort of brainstorming session. For mine, the gun show was a particularly strong image. I’d say it’s a place for people to deal and celebrate weapons of violence. I associate conservatism, conspiracies, fear, and control with gun shows. Guns work from a greater distance, while knives are more personal and close-up. The escort shows up as a “neutral party”. But also, she is a performer of music, which is a powerful source of expression for me. People were always depending on us to rescue them, but when at the end, the expected adults became one small child, the theme of vulnerability and dependence is further emphasized.

Associations lead to applications to the dreamer’s life. Some of the messages in this dream are for my awareness alone, but I will share a few here as illustration of how this process works. I asked myself, “What is small and vulnerable in my life that needs me to keep it safe?” and then, “What are the tools I need to keep to protect that vulnerable part, and what do I need to get rid of because it no longer serves me?”  I think in terms of archetypes a lot, and this dream made me think that my Inner Child both needs some attention, and needs to know the appropriate timing for finding expression. She is hiding inside a vessel that used to hold weapons of violence. We do symbolic and psychological violence to ourselves often, and often without awareness that we are doing it. Baggage that used to take up space in our souls, when cleaned out, may reveal something joyful and innocent underneath. This was a strong takeaway message from this dream for me, hiding under images that could have easily been written off as “just memories of that movie”.

If you’re interested in joining a Dream Group and doing work like this with other likeminded people, please contact me for more details.

Heather Austin

303-522-8839

alternaterootscounseling@gmail.com

Thoughts on a Snowy Day

Like all of us Denverites, I woke up this morning to a field of diffuse white light coming from my window. The snow rolled in enforce last night while we slept. Now this morning I'm thinking about snow days.

When I was a kid, hearing that it had snowed enough to cancel school was a treat on a par with a surprise trip to our favorite amusement park. Mom would make something hot for breakfast, usually oatmeal, which I didn't like, but would eat a bowl of as quickly as I could so that I could get on to bigger and better things...building a snowman, dragging out the saucer sled and hitting a hill, digging a cave in a recently plowed pile, or laying on my belly examining the tiny wonders that delicate snowflakes are when you look close enough. I didn't care about getting cold and wet. That really didn't matter compared to a day off in a winter wonderland.

Now, as an adult, things are a little different. Work may or may not be cancelled. You don't know until you get up and get a phone call or go online to check. It could turn into a day off, or a slow and sloppy drive to work surrounded by other drivers who are less than thrilled with the gifts of Mother Nature. The questions become, how do you really feel about changing plans? and what do you do with the surprise time off when you have it?

Grown-ups tend to be creatures of habit. We like our routine. We depend on it to know how to structure our lives. Take it away, and we may get angry or anxious or both. You could spend a snow day fretting about all the work that's not getting done at the office. Or you could feel the road rage begin when you are surrounded by people who own SUVs with fat snow tires and local license plates who still act like they've never encountered this terrifying white fluff from above. Or instead, you could take the opportunity to breath deep and relax into the day. Those people you work with may have to realize that the deadlines and pressures they feel day in and day out will not come crashing down on them if you are late or absent even. You may be irreplaceable, but a team needs to rely on each other and be flexible enough to adjust to unforseen things like weather. And as far as road and driver conditions go, a snowy day could be just the tool to help you practice compassion and pacing yourself. Take a cue from yoga philosophy and view those who share the road with you through an open-hearted attitude. You are all having the same challenges this morning. People handle challenges in all different ways, whatever way they have learned works best for them. Maybe take a moment to realize that that slow and erratic driver in front of you is really scared, for whatever reason. Take a deep breath in and out to center yourself, then another inhale full of the cool and calm light around you, and exhale it as a blessing toward that person.

If, on the other hand, you do get a day off at home to yourself, how can you turn it into the same kind of gift that a snow day was when you were a kid? How long has it been since you had a handful of hours to do with as you wish? What is it that your Soul has been craving and not getting through your busy life? Do you need to play? Pack your gear and head for the hills for some serious winter recreation. Or put on some fantastic music in your house and get your groove on all by yourself. Do you need to create? It's the perfect day for a slow cooker full of stew and a loaf of fresh bread in the oven. Or those art supplies you've been neglecting in the cabinet may need to come out and fill your hands with creative process. Do you need nurturing? How about a soak in a hot bath and some luxurious aromatherapy products. Or a blanket on the couch with a season of your favorite tv escapism to catch up on. Has your spiritual side been starving for attention? Maybe it's the perfect day for silence and meditation, or performing whatever personal ritual gets you connected to that which is beyond you.

In a life filled with activity, busyness, pressure and obligations; it becomes all the more essential that we take time for rest, recreation, and renewal. Snowy days may be Mother Nature's perfect gift for us to do just that. For me, I've got my favorite radio station streaming. I'll be spending some quiet time meditating in front of my personal altar today, getting out my art supplies to see what wants to be played with, and hopefully creating some culinary deliciousness for dinner. How about you?

I See You

Why is it so hard to let yourself be seen? And I’m not talking about eyeballs receiving the nerve stimulus that translates in brains that you are present. I’m talking about people seeing who you really are…dropping the mask just a little bit when someone looks into your eyes and letting them see into your Soul.  Making deep connections with people is a beautiful gift, but like many valuable gifts, it’s hard to accept at times. How often do we hear people say, when given something precious, “Oh I can’t accept that. It’s too much.”? There are many reasons for this, but they likely fall into a few themes.

I don’t deserve it. I’m unworthy to accept something this special. I haven’t done anything to earn this.

If I accept this, I’m worried that it’ll obligate me to give something back that has equal value.

If I show how truly delighted I am with this, I become exposed and vulnerable. So I’ll just pretend I don’t want it.

One of the beautiful things about therapy that many are shaken by when they first experience it, is that for a small space of time, you are sitting with someone who Sees you. You find a place of trust with them that allows you to feel safe enough to begin dropping that mask. Little by little, you relax and open your dark places. When you do, you see that this person still accepts you unconditionally, and can help you see your wholeness within the pieces.

You earned the right to this by being as fully human as anyone else, flaws and all. And the structured nature of the therapeutic alliance means that questions of obligation are null and void. The sticking point comes in the fear of vulnerability. Some are afraid that the struggles they are dealing with are too much for anyone to handle. Some realize that if they show someone else what is inside them, they will have to face it themselves, and they aren’t sure they are really ready to do that. Being vulnerable to oneself is sometimes the harder task. Many people are used to being disappointed by their interpersonal experiences. Enough people have let them down that they hold their armor quite close and tight now, out of a self-protection instinct that has sadly become warranted. As a therapist, I consider it a distinct honor and responsibility to be let into the gaps in someone’s armor. It is part of the calling that is my career that I do everything in my power to provide an experience that begins the work of correcting the track record of misplaced trust and wariness, replacing it with unconditional open-eyed acceptance and appreciation.

To close, I offer this song, as a way to describe the feelings behind being Seen.

Not one, but two...

Shadows surround us. Bright and Dark, we try not to look too deeply into either one. The concept began with Carl Jung, that we each have a Shadow side that holds that which we avoid or deny the existence of in ourselves. It’s easy to recognize the dark scary things like the unknown chaser in your dream that you keep trying to run faster from and just can’t escape as Shadow figures. But how about that celebrity in your other dream that picks you out of the crowd and beckons you onstage with them? Can you imagine them as a different part of your Shadow? In both cases you may feel the adrenaline rush of anxiety, wake up with your heart pounding, or ask yourself “Wth was that all about??” upon waking.

It’s a pretty natural human response to avoid that which scares us. Fight or flight is a powerful instinct that serves us well, when it saves us from a true predator situation. But when the threat isn’t a threat to our existence, but only to our assumptions and comfort zones, it serves us better to turn and face what we fear. If we can look at it with openness to the possibility that it is actually there to offer us gifts we didn’t even know we had access to, then all of a sudden our world gets richer, and our sense of Self gets larger and stronger.

Because I’m an optimist, always preferring to look for the silver lining, find the blessing lens to flip down in front of a challenge, and say “it could be so easily worse”, I offer the following from the positive side first.

(Adapted from an exercise in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford)

To explore some of what may be awaiting you in your Bright Shadow, first think about someone you think so highly of that you would call them a hero, idolize them, look up to the example they set. This person could be alive now, or someone from history, someone you know personally, or someone who’s only on your bucket list. When you’ve found that person in your thoughts, hold them there, picture them as clearly as you can, and feel the emotions that flow when you dwell on them. Then open your eyes and spend a few minutes writing down words and phrases that describe them. Try not to censor yourself or pass any judgment on the words that come to mind and end up on the paper. Write their name on the page somewhere for future reference.

Turn the paper over and think for a few minutes about a person that you can’t stand the thought of. You are offended by them, you shudder at the thought of what they’ve done or the kind of person they are, you don’t care to ever be in their presence. Just like before, this could be someone you actually know, or not. They could be current or past, larger than life, or the kid down the street that picked on you.  And like before, allow them to come to life in your thoughts for a few minutes. Make a list on the paper of the words and phrases that come to mind describing them, and write their name down as well.

Go up to the top of the page, and read each item on the list, starting each phrase with their name…

                Uncle Jack is too loud. Uncle Jack is rude. Uncle Jack yells all the time.

Now it’s time to look in the Dark Mirror. Go back to the top of the list, and exchange the person in the sentence…

                I am too loud. I am rude. I yell all the time.

One more time, read the list, this time slowly and out loud, exploring the potential truth of the words.

                I am too loud…..I am rude…..I yell all the time….

Sit in quietness for a few minutes, or perhaps take out your journal and write down your reactions and revelations. Then it’ll be time to return to the happier territory of the Bright Mirror.

Flip to the list of traits describing your positive person. And go through this exercise with them in mind instead…

                Marie Curie was brilliant. Marie Curie was curious. Marie Curie was dedicated.

                I am brilliant. I am curious. I am dedicated.

                I am brilliant…..I am curious…..I am dedicated…..

Again, spend some time letting these truths and potentials settle in. Which set of words was harder for you to apply to yourself? I’d guess both are pretty hard to hear. But the thing about the Shadow, is that it helps us learn that what we see in others, either to hate or to love, is something we may likely be projecting onto them from that which we hide from in ourselves.

In the never-ending quest for self-awareness, I find this exercise and ones like it to be a tremendously valuable tool. May you find nuggets of Truth about your Self around every corner, and thus your life will become richer and more fascinating all the time.