Out of the Bitter Comes Sweetness

I’m stunned and saddened to learn of the end of Robin Williams’ life. Death happens. I’m comfortable with that fact. It’s a transition on a par with birth. We enter, and then we leave. We don’t get to stay here forever.  And philosophically, I believe in a person’s right to make choices about how the end will look for them. But still, when someone leaves unexpectedly, those of us still here have to feel and deal.

The statement President Obama made about him reminded me of my favorite of Robin’s movies, Hook. He did indeed make a “bangarang Peter Pan.”  So many lush themes in that movie! Childhood is precious and worthy of enjoying to the fullest. Giving of yourself to others can change the world. Don’t discount those who seem to be absent or “crazy,” for they sometimes have more wisdom than you give them credit for. We all have fears that we need to face. Happiness is a powerful force.

I think I’ll spend some time on that last one. Happiness makes people sparkle. It lifts spirits and faces and moods. And generally, it’s not that hard to find things that bring a happy smile. Watch a kid with a bottle of bubbles and a really cool wand. Even grownups sparkle to match the fireworks on Independence Day. Your favorite song comes on the radio in the car and all of a sudden irritation or anger melts into joy and you can’t help but sing along. The thing is, these small things are fleeting, so you have to be present and pay attention to experience them.

We go so fast these days. Sometimes it’s necessary, and sometimes it’s certainly not. And sometimes it’s really hard to know the difference. There’s this anxiety that rises up that tells us if we slow down, simplify, mono-task instead of multi-task that we’ll drop an important ball and tragedy will strike. What happens if we take some time off to intentionally enjoy ourselves, or to dive into someone precious to us, be it a child or a beloved? Yes, as grownups we have lives that require scheduling and planning, and can be quite full of obligations and responsibilities. But those structures we rely on for productivity can also help us make time for fun and happy times.

Once upon a time, I heard that we need three R’s to counteract our busy lives: Rest, Recreation, and Relationship.

Rest – Get enough sleep, even if that means catching a nap now and then if you can. Sit and do nothing. Meditate. Find a lounge chair by a pool or on a deck and lay in the sun (safely, including sunscreen after your Vitamin D needs have been met ). Light some candles in a dark living room at night and listen to some good jazz, no analysis or conversation needed. Spend a day flopped out on your couch watching a marathon of your favorite movies.

Recreation – Do something fun. Take a walk by a river. Go to a movie. Spend an evening at a club dancing to fun music. Play some racquetball. Take an aqua fitness class. Wander through a museum or the zoo or a great garden. Soak in beauty. Talk to nature. Sometimes you can spell it re-creation, and think about what you can do to bring you back into your Truth, help you come home to your Self. Spiritual practice fits in there. Creating art, journaling, or cooking some nourishing food for yourself also do.

Relationship – Call a friend or family member you haven’t talked to in a while and catch up with them. Get together with someone locally. Sit down and have an open and intimate conversation with someone who knows you well. Plenty of options for physical connection exist, from hugs to massage to intimate touching and sex. We all have a touch reservoir, some deep and some not so deep, and different things we like to fill it with. But having that contact is pretty much a biological need. We need our connections to others.

When time is crunched, it can pay to find things to do that meet more than one of those needs at the same time. Meet a friend at that club and go dancing together. Watch that movie marathon with a beloved, cuddled up together. Take your child to the zoo with you. They’ll help you remember how to play and have fun if you let them. Try to follow their lead instead of dragging them to one exhibit after another. Let your imagination wander among the possibilities, but do try to do something that makes you happy. It’s good for you.

A Season of Change

It's happening everywhere. Seems like everyone I talk to these days has big changes going on in their lives. Someone is getting married. Someone else has a child leaving the nest. A couple builds a new house and moves into it. New jobs are needed and found. Companies are bought and reshuffling happens. Kids learn to swim and ride bikes. Parents and grandparents receive diagnoses that change ways of life.


All these things are going on all the time these days, faster and faster it seems. It gets hard to keep up with, and it can feel like you're drowning or being run over by life. The question came up in my mind recently, when I was going through a similar flood, as to whether I needed to speed up my own pace in order to accommodate life's new speed, or if I should relax and release into the faster flow that was presenting itself. A beloved responded to that discussion by saying "Option B seems much less anxiety producing." He knows me well. I tend to feel anxiety as I try ever harder to remain in control of circumstances that many times are decidedly out of my control.


It's a tricky question sometimes. Is this something I have control over? Or am I trying to take control or responsibility for something I can't or have no business taking control over? The answer shifts and changes just like everything else. Individuals seldom have a say in whether the company they work for changes hands. But they do get to choose whether and when and where they get their resume out. The weather does what it will do on a wedding day, but the people involved get to decide on back-up plans and wardrobe choices for the day. You may not have anything to do with how many obligations land in your lap at any given time, but you do have at least some degree of power over how you take care of your body and emotions while you rise to your challenges.


For all the times I talk to clients about these things, where they can find and feel their power and thus counteract the helpless feelings that the onslaught of changes can bring, I need the reminder myself many times. Today I took time to meditate for the first time in a couple weeks. A daily or nearly daily practice does me worlds of good. It's simple, takes very little time, requires no gear or money, and goes so far toward keeping my head straight and my emotions on an even keel. I remember how to do that releasing thing where I let go of striving to hold onto control or go that one notch faster to keep up. There's no reason in the world I can't do it regularly. It's totally in my power to make it happen, no matter what other circumstance or challenge is rolling through my life.


What can you do for yourself to handle the changes and surprises that you're being handed? Is it possible for you to release your grasping for control that's not yours to have in the first place? We're all in this season of change together, after all. You're not alone in the struggle.

Body Wisdom

Take a moment, right now. Turn off the phone, find a comfortable spot to sit and relax for a few minutes. It’s rare that we take time to listen to our bodies. Hell, it’s not all that often that we listen to our thoughts, really. And we tend to validate cognition way above somatic insights. But cells and tissues and bodies do hold memories and emotions. Our physical selves may have important things to say about our inner world. So let’s take a moment and listen to what those things may be.

Sit quietly, in a position that allows your muscles to let go and your bones and furniture or floor hold you safely. Follow your breath in and out a few cycles, not trying to alter or influence them, but just watching. Then spend a few cycles gently lengthening your exhale. This will deepen your relaxation and quiet your mind further.

 When you feel settled and quiet, begin to draw your attention to the top of your head. Explore the sensations you find there, both pleasant and unpleasant. If something particularly attracts you, you might spend a little time with that sensation. Inquire as to why it is there, and breathe with it for a few cycles to see if it has something to share with you. Pay attention to the thoughts that arise, withholding judgment or criticism no matter what it is. Sometimes you will be surprised at what your body has to tell you.

Once you have received, or have at least given that sensation enough of a chance to communicate with you, bless that area with a breath and move downward from there. Areas of tension, pain, buzzing, warmth or cold, may be ready to have a chat with you. Be gentle and loving with yourself all along the way. You may find old resentments surfacing, fears, moments of anger, memories of passion, unfulfilled dreams, unrequited loves, any number of things. Something may move you to reach for your journal, phone a friend for a chat, make you cry, or spur you to take some sort of action. You would do well to heed those urges. And you may just find that those areas of troublesome sensation dissolve into ease when you do.

Tell me a Story

Society seems to be caught up with themes of myth and fairytale these days. Between TV shows like Once Upon a Time and Grimm, and movies like Percy Jackson and even the upcoming Wonder Woman remake, we are fascinated by legendary and mythic characters and storylines. Why? What power do tales like Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, and Oz hold for us today? Why are we still captivated by Gods, Goddesses and demi-gods? They take us beyond ourselves, and yet simultaneously into ourselves. They have the power to transform ordinary reality into something rich and magical. They tap into deep universal energy, otherwise known as archetypes. We hunger for something to escape into, that touches us on a level below the surface, that we can lose ourselves in, experience something vicariously beyond the bounds of our everyday existence. Even those who would deny having any interest in myth, may find themselves sitting in a theater, engrossed in the world of Thor or even Captain America. Myth is not static. It changes with the times and culture. Today’s resurgence of classic figures does nothing to take away from the pull of the Star Trek franchise or Doctor Who, for example. The Hero, the Miracle Worker, the Healer, the Consort, the Companion, the Worthy Opponent, the Speaker of Tongues, those roles and many others are reborn in the tales of each new generation.

When you get lost in a story, be it in a book or on a screen, which characters do you identify with? Do you become the Warrior Queen organizing the troops to defend her land? Are you the Shaman who lives alone in the woods, solitary, sometimes misunderstood, sometimes feared, but never quite part of the tribe? Do you see yourself as the Courtesan, mastering the arts of pleasure and diplomacy? Or maybe you’re a darker type than that, say, a Succubus who drains people of their energy? Or a werewolf that accesses something primal and dangerous in yourself one night out of every month? No, really, stop and think about that a minute…When you find yourself in a character, then you begin to get in touch with the story that you are living. It could be a hero’s journey, or an ordeal, or a misplaced orphan, or any number of variations on themes.

But here’s the kicker. You are not a helpless captive in your story. You can change your story. It happens that a story that has been true in your life for ages will all of a sudden not fit anymore. Then it’s time for a new story. The myth that’s active in your life may change many times, sometimes intentionally and sometimes you just stumble into a new one. There’s a dissonance that you may feel when you’ve been used to your life playing out along predictable storylines, and all of a sudden things don’t work that way anymore.

 There’s an apt analogy I want to bring in here. If you are or ever have been in need of vision correction devices, you’ll understand this. The world looks normal. You don’t think twice about the fact that you need to hold a book very close to your eyes to be able to read. It’s just the way life is. Then someone suggests you go to an eye doctor. You sit down in their magical chair, and view the world through different lenses. You’re trying each one out to see when the world becomes clear. “#1 or #2? #2 or #3?” Then a lens flips into place and A-ha! Details pop into alignment that you didn’t know were even out of alignment. You can see to move through life with much more richness and clarity than you ever knew you were missing. But, a few years later, you have to go back and get things rechecked. You go through the whole process again, but now maybe the new glasses you wear make you feel a little dizzy and disoriented. Even though the crystalline clarity is now returned, it takes an adjustment period until you feel like you’re grounded again.

Finding your new myth is similar. You try things on, and they may or may not fit quite right. But then a pivotal piece falls into place, and the path becomes clear in front of you again. This is a delightful part of the work I do. I get to help people explore old myths and identities and find and flesh out new ones. It’s a privilege and an honor to have someone sit with me while we explore the lenses that no longer work for them, and flip new ones down for experimentation. The a-ha moment when the one that holds the image of Truth for them slides into place is beautiful. Sometimes it brings smiles and laughter, sometimes tears and raging. But the look of clarity that accompanies it is unmistakable.

I believe as a culture, we are trying out new myths. Collectively, we are ready for a new identity and new footing on the path of life. So we are drawn to timeless storylines and characters, sometimes garbed classically and sometimes re-imagined for today, looking for inspiration and transformation.  What character do you want to be? What role will you play in the grand scheme of things? It’s worth a thought or several.

P Cubed

I am passionate about my profession. For a number of reasons, it is so much more than a job to me.

Personally – Counseling is something that challenges me to grow and deepen my self-awareness with each session that I sit in. I was taught that the greatest gift you can give your clients is to simply and wholeheartedly show up in the room with them. That is both a joy and a complication. When two people connect in an authentic and meaningful way, there are few things more beautiful or more powerful. Both parties leave the room different than they were when they arrived. What a delight it is to be working in a field where that kind of thing gets to happen on a regular basis! In my worldview and theoretical orientation, the counselor and their responses matters too. It’s not just about the client. A good therapeutic alliance is a two-way street. I firmly believe that the right clients show up in my office for the right reasons, for both of us. Counseling is a calling for me on a spiritual level. It’s part of why I am here in this lifetime. I get to talk to clients about their soul-health, discussing archetypes at work in their lives, helping them find ways to honor the inflection points in their path, watching them find that core of strength and personal power that we all have within us but is so easy to lose track of for so many. I have the humbling privilege of being the hand and voice of Source in those moments, a channel for Universal energy, a catalyst for people to reach the next level of Truth that they’ve been striving for.

Politically – I despise the fact that mental health has become known as something of a classist privilege. I understand why it is that way, and I intend my work to be a piece of what changes that. If you have the good fortune of working in a job that gives you an attractive benefits package, you may be able to see a Counselor under your insurance plan. But if you do, be prepared to be diagnosed with a label that may or may not fit you, so that your plan will cover you. And don’t be surprised if you only get enough sessions approved to count on your fingers. If these thoughts raise concerns about privacy and job security, you’re not alone. On the other hand, if you’re under-employed or unemployed, poor or working poor or indigent, you may be able to get emergency mental health services, especially if there’s a reason that you may be a threat to yourself or others, but the red tape will be enough to get lost in. But if you’re not living with that level of risk, if you have lingering concerns, or a desire to understand yourself and your situation more fully, good luck getting services. I’m designing my practice to avoid falling into that trap of being unwieldy and unavailable to those who need it and choose to seek me out. I’m avoiding insurance panels, at least for now, in favor of offering a sliding scale that makes my sessions on a financial par with your average co-pay for those who need it. Those who can afford more, can pay more, and make it easier for me to offer truly affordable care to the biggest range of people possible. Allowing for a portion of my time to be spent in pro bono work or volunteering for agencies that serve underserved populations is another thing that’s important to me. It angers me when I hear people say that Counselors are ‘in it for the money’. Do people who say that have the faintest clue what the average salary is for people in this field? Our country and our healthcare system does not value mental healthcare enough to throw anything but token attention and resources toward it. I could talk about gendered values here, and the patriarchy that governs so many decisions that get made still, and the assumption that a profession based on caring and healing and empathy is too squishy to be worth paying for. Or I could mention the student loan debt that many of us emerge into our professional life having to repay. To those who truly believe it’s about the money, I say you’ve either met some Counselors who have no business being in the field anymore, or you need to open your eyes and ask some intelligent questions about what constitutes success. I care so much more about the people I work with than I do the money they may or may not be paying me. And yet, professionals are worth paying, and paying well.

Professionally – A Counselor is not the same as a Social Worker, or a Psychologist, or even a Life Coach. There are areas of crossover, for sure, but they are unique roles. The focus of the Counseling profession is the therapeutic alliance between Counselor and Client. It is about the creation of a relationship where healing and personal growth thrive in an atmosphere of trust and openness. There are times when we talk with clients about community resources that could help them, or medications or treatments that are being developed in regards to their areas of struggle, or help a client set goals and make plans on how to reach them. But at the core of it, Counseling is a field about a person-to-person connection of a unique nature. When it’s good, it serves the purpose of helping each person find and optimize their own path and life. It holds a mirror up for people to see themselves more clearly and from angles that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to see. Just like no one can see the back of their head unless an extra mirror is held just right, a Counselor finds out the right spot each client needs their mirror held so that they can see things they’d miss otherwise. It’s a fulfilling moment, on all the levels mentioned here, when you and your client find that sweet spot, and their eyes open a little wider, and they have an ‘aha’ insight about themselves. You get to see their world and their sense of self get just that much richer and more complete. That is why I do what I do.

Practice Pressure

Just after deciding to launch the dream group I've been planning and playing with for months now, I had a dream that was decidedly business related. There is no such thing as coincidences in my world, and this dream was strong enough to wake me up and keep me up for a few hours.

I am on my way to a marketing/networking event, navigating busy streets. I’m riding a bike. A couple women from chorale are on the side of the road heading in the same general direction. I realize too late that I’ve forgotten my brochures and cards, but decide to continue and do without them. When I get there, it’s nearly empty. Booths and tables are set up in a labyrinth of rooms and hallways. I especially notice herbal supplements and skin care companies. I strike up a conversation with a woman who talks to me about investing, specifically with progressive social activism companies and causes. She advises picking 5-10 to divide my money between. I wake up with my mind buzzing and the song “Tongue Tied” stuck firmly in my head (“Take me to your best friend’s house. I loved you then I love you now.”)

I couldn’t begin to go back to sleep until I got up and jotted down the bullet points that made up this dream. Then this morning, I am spending some time revisiting the setting of it, bringing the feelings of the dream back to me…anxiety, overwhelm, curiosity, fascination, some confusion.

I like to start dreamwork with the part of the dream that holds the most emotional charge. In this dream, there’s not a whole lot of intensity, but the feeling of wandering mostly alone through a maze of booths and tables comes closest. So I’ll dig in there and see what comes out.

Some associations: kiosks in the mall, presentations, pedestals, displays, selling, being put on the spot, pressure to say yes, not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

Wow. This tells me I have some serious work to do. My mind has been working on issues of consent and consent violations off and on for a while now, and the connection becomes clear when I let my thoughts flow unimpeded. Some part of me equates marketing myself professionally with pressuring people to give what they wouldn’t freely give otherwise. I can’t with a clear conscious participate in that. So, I default to being as known publically as I am comfortable with, and trusting that those who are meant to come work with me will find me. Now, is that effective? I don’t know yet. But I am determined to do this in a way that does not violate my principles. Stretching myself is one thing, going completely outside things I hold dearly is another entirely.

There are other tidbits this dream has for me, but I think I’ve hit upon the biggest one here. It’s a nice idea many times to do something in the waking world to anchor the insights of characters from a dream into your consciousness. This can be through creating something artistic, doing some kind of ritual to honor it, or whatever else resonates with you. In this case, I think I’m going to let the fuel from this dream help get me in contact with other non-competitive-minded professionals and see what resources are out there.

This is for the pet lovers out there

When you decide to bring an animal into your life, smart and responsible pet people go through a few thought processes. What is my living situation? What kind of care can I give to an animal who lives with me? You think about things like lifestyle and personality. Would I rather have a pet who thrives on cuddles and petting, or an independent soul like myself who can happily coexist with me without getting in my face for affection? How active a life do I lead? You get a sense of yourself in a deeper way when you start looking at your life through the eyes of a potential animal companion.

Then you might start researching breeds and their inherent characteristics to find a good potential match for what you have to offer.  Some dogs have a strong territorial drive. They will defend you and your property without thinking twice about it. Some have a more fearful nature and will take cover behind your legs at the suggestion of a threat. There are breeds to avoid if you aren’t willing to give them fairly intense activity. Others are so smart that their people need to rise to the challenge and train them diligently.

What if when you go to the adoption shelter, some dog of unknown pedigree catches your eye and your heart and declares that they are yours? You, being the diehard pet person that you are, honor that moment and take that dog home with you. Then you find yourself getting to know them from scratch. You ask yourself, are the behaviors I’m witnessing inherent to their breed? Or is it the result of bad life experiences or previous people they’ve belonged with? You have to be wise, compassionate, and savvy to build that relationship with that animal.

Now, let’s juxtapose this analogy on building relationships with fellow humans. In a way, it’d be really nice to be able to know ourselves so well that we can be entirely conscious about searching for and finding a partner. We could have a checklist of traits and characteristics that we have, and that we are looking for. Match them up, and voila! A happy partnership til death do us part! What a beautiful fantasy! And perhaps one of the things that arranged marriage proponents are trying to achieve.

Most of us take the ‘shelter’ route to partnership. The people we are attracted to and fall in love with have had a multitude of life experiences and relationships that have gone into making them who they are. Sometimes that’s been positive, and sometimes not so much. Sometimes they are conscious of the influences they’ve had, sometimes not.  But we take them into our lives, merge with them, then continue the process of finding out who they are.

It’s such a trite saying, but true nonetheless. You can’t change your partner, so don’t try. There are inherent ‘breed characteristics’ that each person has. If you try to train them out, you will only end up in endless conflict and frustration that grows into resentment on both parts. Modification may be possible and needed, in order to fit smoothly into each others’ lives, but if you can’t love someone for who they really are, then maybe they’re not ultimately the right match for you. There’s no shame in that, and no blame. What works wonderfully for one, is the exactly wrong thing for another.

But relationship dissolution or transition is a subject for another entry…