When Therapy Works (Day 3/30)

Birds flying high you know how I feel

Sun in the sky you know how I feel

Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

(refrain:)x2

It's a new dawn

It's a new day

It's a new life

For me

And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel

River running free you know how I feel

Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

(refrain)

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know

Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean

Sleep in peace when day is done

That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world

And a bold world

For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel

Scent of the pine you know how I feel

Oh freedom is mine

And I know how I feel

When you've faced down what scares and shames you. When you allowed yourself to truly Feel the residue of things you thought you'd left behind you long ago, When you've cracked yourself open, both to yourself and to your trusted therapist, and gotten to know areas of your Soul/Psyche that you might not have even known were there when you started on your journey. Then you may find that there come times where you feel a grand spaciousness open up inside you. You can run with confidence through the field and not worry about tripping into landmines. You can gaze up at the sky and feel its largeness reflected in your Being. You look in the mirror and see the sparkle that you arrived in this lifetime to share with the world looking back at you. Love blossoms in you, for yourself and the world you live in. It's not that the pains you suffered cease to exist, but they get to become badges of honor that tell you what you've lived through and grown from. They are the darker threads that weave through the tapestry that is you, providing a contrast that lets your gloriousness shine all the brighter. You finally feel at home in your skin, secure in your place and your worth. You are unique, special, powerful, with amazing contributions to make to the world and your fellow travelers. Go be that! Go do that! 

A sampling of good books on BDSM (Day 2 of 30)

Everyone who hasn’t been holed up in a cave for the past few years likely knows about the 50 Shades series of books out there. And all variations of media are talking about the movie, which came out this Valentine’s Day. Some people love it and are overflowing with excitement about seeing the movie, or are now on the lookout for their own version of Christian and/or Ana. Others are decrying the whole trend as an example of perversion and abuse. Still others love BDSM, whether in private or in community, and are saddened and/or upset by the portrayal of what should be a consensual relationship built on trust and intensity instead of pressure and lack of communication. Whatever your personal perspective, the fact remains that this surge of interest in these books is translating into a greater exposure and experimentation with the world of kink.

It’s a world I am happy to be a part of, personally. I discovered kink in 2000, and it’s been a part of my relationships in varying degrees ever since. The local community here in Denver has shifted and morphed (as things like this do) since then, but I’m still a part of it. I decided to write this blog entry to share with my readers some of the books that have been foundational for myself and others I know. They are written by people who live it and are passionate about it, and have the voice of knowledge and experience and perspective to share with the public. There are other books out there that are well-written and good reads, but I chose to only include ones that I have personal knowledge of.

The Basics

Ultimate Guide to Kink

                This book is a compilation of writings on lots of kinky subjects, by various kinky presenters. The editor wrote the intro and first chapter, which is on definitions. There’s a lot of experience and awesome perspectives presented in this book. From the intro, “This book is for everyone who dares to expand their erotic horizons beyond the ordinary. For all hose who like to give and receive intense sensations. For the people who eroticize power and cultivate consciousness in sex and relationships. For anyone who loves to dance on the line between pleasure and pain. For folks who nurture naked creativity and make fantasies come to life. This book is about kink.”

http://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic-ebook/dp/B007C2JPTQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423840794&sr=1-1&keywords=ultimate+guide+to+kink

50 Shades of Kink

This is the one book on my list today that I haven’t actually read. I stumbled across it when searching for my links, and decided to give it a nod here as well. The author is someone whose perspective I appreciate and trust a lot, and it’s so directly tied into the reason for this writing in the first place that how could I resist? It’s now on my wishlist to read sometime soon.

http://www.amazon.com/50-Shades-Kink-Introduction-BDSM-ebook/dp/B00B0YPJI8/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1JBSE6QVRK6KTQ0320WK

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns

Many people find their way to kink through this book. It’s an excellent starter set of info for beginners. You’ll learn about definitions of words and concepts like sadism, masochism, dominance, submission. All kinds of different activities are introduced, from spanking to wax to biting to roleplay. It covers safety and consent in easily understood ways: which areas of the body are safe and fun to play with, how to talk about what you want and don’t want to happen in an interaction with someone. There are plenty of illustrations to show in visual ways how things can work out. In general, Screw the Roses will get you started in a safe and fun manner, and give you tools to find out what could come next for you in your kink journey.

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1423841024&sr=8-2&keywords=screw+the+roses+give+me+the+thorns

SM101

This book was actually the first one I read, personally, on my path of discovering the dark side of sex. I devoured it in about 48 hours. Jay covers the topic thoroughly and reasonably, with a solid eye toward safety, which is so important. His use of quotes on the sidebars brings the subject matter into focus nicely, and shows a bit of the variety of experiences that are out there to be had. There are sections with practical how-to’s to get your feet wet with, and sections with discussion of theory and role and motivation. It has a bit more of a mature tone than Screw the Roses, but is a very accessible read as well.

http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_y

Roles and Perspectives

The Topping Book

This book, and its counterpart that is next in the list, do a good job at showing the difference in perspective between the person who likes giving the sensation (the Top) and the one who likes receiving it (the Bottom). The authors collected personal experiences from people who live it and love it on both sides of the equation. The headspace of the Top includes feelings of personal power, responsibility, the rush of timelessness, and the control that comes from having someone grant you the trust over them and their experience moment by moment. "In any S/M exchange there is a sharing of power - the bottom lends his power to the top for the duration, the top adds power, and together they make a lot of voltage. The top gets to wield all this power, a form of extreme empowerment that is exciting, thrilling, hot, erotic, and very very sexy." (The Topping Book, pg 10-11) 

There are similarities in the Bottom’s headspace, but it also includes the sensation of being held, the surrender to the will of a trusted partner, freedom from having to make choices, riding waves of endorphins from the physical interactions with the Top. Some of the benefits to bottoming that this book includes are, "lowers the boundaries...feeling desired...feeling nurtured or taken care of...it's incredibly cathartic... turns our brains off...a chance to please the people we care about...just plain puts us in overdrive" (The Bottoming  Book, pg 12-13) The authors have included some good information about negotiation, consent, and aftercare in both as well.

http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B006T2ULTI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423841712&sr=8-1&keywords=the+topping+book

The Bottoming Book

http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Dossie-Easton-ebook/dp/B005HZ6GGU/ref=pd_sim_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1S6Z5N3RDDQ21726K2N6

Slavecraft

There are those out there who crave a more encompassing handing over of control to another. For them, the label of Slave can feel appropriate. Slavecraft goes in depth about the motivations and mindset that goes along with that desire, with essays from various writers who describe what it is about what they do that fulfills them. It discusses how to find the right person to pair up with in a relationship like this, things to make sure you talk about with them before committing to it, the giving of service from a willing and open heart, the struggle to trust on an ongoing basis, the devotion that can be possible in a relationship built on surrender and service. It’s a nice look into a specific sort of connection that appeals to some, but not all.

http://www.amazon.com/SlaveCraft-Roadmaps-Erotic-Servitude--Principles-Skills/dp/1881943143/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1423841781&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=Slavecraft

Bondage and Toys

Bondage for Sex

You can do bondage to create beautiful designs on a lover’s body. You can do bondage that creates painful predicaments. There are many reasons to get some rope out. This book talks specifically about ways to use rope and bondage to enhance your sex with your partner. The ties are easy and functional for bedroom use. There are illustrations given for stages along the process, so you can see how things are supposed to lie on the body for safety and comfort.

http://www.amazon.com/Bondage-Paperback-Author-Chanta-Rose/dp/B00E7HP4MQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423841498&sr=1-1&keywords=Bondage+for+sex

The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage

The photography in this book is stunning, and the author's expertise in the subject shines through brightly. She includes bits of inner perspective from both the Top and Bottom viewpoints, and at times gives some history of the techniques she's including. There's simple things to try, and more elaborate ropework to sink into.  

http://www.amazon.com/The-Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387/ref=pd_sim_b_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=16H8WHWT9YBCCX0N5NKR

Kinky Crafts

You may be captivated by images of dungeons stocked with shiny metal and rich leather furniture, but you certainly don’t need a lot of money, or loads of bells and whistles to have a kinky good time with a lover. There’s lots of fun toys you can make on your own, with a trip to your local home improvement/hardware store (there’s a reason it’s affectionately known as Dom Depot). Here’s a book full of instructions on how to make bondage devices, spanking toys, clips and clamps and furniture with minimal DIY skills.

http://www.amazon.com/21st-Century-Kinkycrafts-Janet-Hardy-ebook/dp/B005HZ6GLK/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423841825&sr=1-2&keywords=Kinky+Crafts

Fiction and Fantasy

Kushiel’s Series

Looking for a good read with high quality writing, hot sex, and spicy kink? Kushiel’s Legacy is definitely worth a try. The main character is a woman who learned early on that she experiences pain and pleasure together. She comes of age in a society that is built around the principle of “Love as thou wilt”, that sees sex as a spiritual practice, and becomes a woman of power and influence. It makes for a delightfully sex positive, pansexual culture. There’s espionage, political intrigue, romance, betrayal, and beautiful descriptions laced all through it. Can’t recommend it highly enough.

http://www.amazon.com/Kushiels-Dart-Legacy-Book-One-ebook/dp/B0055DLCAY/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423842116&sr=1-1&keywords=kushiel%27s+dart

The Marketplace Series

The 6^th book just came out recently, and I haven’t read it yet, but definitely plan to. This series weaves multiple characters together through the theme of voluntary, contracted erotic slavery. There are gender expressions and sexual orientation configurations to please just about anyone, making it a beautifully pansexual read. The characters are seen going through personal struggles in their sexual journey at times, as well as being thoroughly delighted by the choices they make and the situations they find themselves in. You may well find yourself emotionally invested in one or more characters, eagerly awaiting the next phase in their story.

http://www.amazon.com/Marketplace-Book-One-ebook/dp/B003UV989U/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423963199&sr=1-1&keywords=the+marketplace

The House of Dark Delights

There’s a lot of various kinds of edgy sex in this book and the other that follows it. Supernatural beings engaging with humans, shapeshifters, kinky encounters, voyeuristic scenes, just to elaborate on a few kinds of edges. The fantasy element runs strong, and the sex is hot.

http://www.amazon.com/House-Dark-Delights-Louisa-Burton/dp/0553384120/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423963350&sr=1-1&keywords=the+house+of+dark+delights

There are many other good books out there, but this selection can give the curious seekers a good place to start. If you want to go further, visit your local sex or leather shop, ask the people there what they recommend (which is sometimes very different than what is popular), and maybe think about seeking out a community of actual kinky people in your local area. We usually love talking about what it is that we do and why we do it. Look for things called Munches, and take some workshops if there is something offered that looks interesting to you. See if you can find your feet in what it is that you are looking for, then go out and find that. Happy kinky explorations to you! 

www.alternaterootscounseling.com

Heather Austin, LPCC, NCC

303-522-8839

FAQ's (Day 1 of 30-day challenge I'm embarking on)

What do you do?

                I’m a counselor. I work with adults and the occasional older adolescent seeking support for mental health, emotional and personal transformation difficulties. I generally work with one person at a time, but also see couples or other numbers of intimately connected people together at times.

Do you take insurance?

                I don’t. And I likely won’t in the future either. I like being able to practice with as few pieces of red tape to deal with as possible. My focus is on individualized work that evolves organically between myself and my client. I do, however, offer my clients a nicely accessible sliding scale. It is important to me that my services not be part of the problem of mental health being a classist system. Everyone deserves to be able to seek support and find it.

What type of counseling do you do?

                My work with clients tends to be flavored like Jungian work, or it’s more modern equivalent of Archetypal/Depth work. I am interested in getting to the why’s of what’s going on. Usually that happens through playing with images seen in dreams and what books/movies/tv/ music/video games a client is drawn to. Together we face a client’s Shadow, their Inner Child, Masculine and Feminine, or Inner Parents, for example. We touch on issues of Soul through personal ritual and journeys of personal transformation.

Do you work with….(insert mental health concern of your choice here)?

                I have yet to find a diagnosis or label that I wouldn’t be willing to work with. The theoretical stance I come from is widely applicable. What I *don’t* do, however, is offer quick solutions for concrete/specific problems. If you’re looking for someone to give you quick tools to stop smoking or get past a phobia or communicate an important truth to your spouse, then I am likely not the counselor for you. I’d want to help you dive into what you are covering up with your addictive behavior, or what your specific phobia is telling you about your Soul life, or help you be more comfortable with owning and expressing your Truth in general.

What do you specialize in?

                The bottom line for me is always that the client is the expert in themselves. There are things that I very much enjoy working with and have developed a particular level of expertise in. For example, Gender. Many of my clients are unique in their expression of gender. They likely reject the binary of male/female, and I understand and agree with getting beyond that binary. Then there’s Shame. So many people feel that there’s something about them that is just unacceptable. They hide and deny and avoid sharing it with people, and it gets in the way of intimacy and confidence for them. Many times that Shame is centered around something related to Sexuality. For some it’s orientations other than straight. For others, it’s being into the world of BDSM, or being non-monogamous. They are deeply drawn to something other than what they see portrayed as the culturally approved lifestyle, and thus feel like they are flawed. Another specialty is dealing with wounds received through religion, or the search for one’s uniquely authentic spiritual path.

Want to know more? Call me and ask! 
www.alternaterootscounseling.com
303-522-8839

Love, Sweet Love

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. This day, supposedly full of warm fuzzies loving thoughts and gestures, can also be full of landmines and emotional turbulence. Why is that? And how the heck can we make it a better day? Whether single or partnered, focusing some energy on love and relationships can and should be positive and pleasant.

There are few things that make us more vulnerable than entering into relationship with another person. We can control our world if we are the only inhabitants of it, but adding other people in means that there is an element of the unpredictable. We crave connection, deeply and intimately. Some more than others, yes, but human beings are not meant to fly solo their whole lives. The media builds up that expectation even more for us, showing images of romantic couples looking deeply into each other’s eyes, touching hearts and bodies in seemingly perfect union. Or it fails to show us the kind of relationships that we need, especially if we are attracted to similarly gendered people to us, if we want our romantic relationships to be shaded with kink, or if we don’t stop with having only one romantic relationship. Not feeling represented creates deeper feelings of isolation and the potential for shame because we are different from the wider society around us.

Or perhaps your history is marked by being hurt by those who were supposed to have loved you. So now love doesn't feel like a safe emotion to experience. Valentine’s Day serves to remind you of that pain, rather than creating warm feelings of intimacy and connection. If you’re single, whether or not that state is intentional for you, you could very likely feel entirely left out of a holiday designed to emphasize love. But loving your self is healing and healthy and necessary, so that becomes a good option to focus on. Practice some wholehearted love for yourself. Give yourself treatment that pleases you, that shows you what a valuable and lovable creature you really are. This can be a profoundly healing and nurturing gesture that doesn't require a partner.

If you are partnered, whether with one or more people, it can sometimes be hard to clearly communicate what speaks love to us. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we fear that our partner won’t respond well to our needs and requests. But finding a way to tell a partner what we want our day of love to contain is an important aspect to connection and intimacy. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) Love Languages is one of my favorite tools in helping partners find greater ease in this regard. In my case, Touch and Words of Affirmation are my top languages. So when I need to feel intimately connected to a partner, I have learned to ask for physical contact (nonsexual and sexual both), or for them to dish to me about their emotional state regarding me and our relationship.  For holidays like Valentine’s Day, a card with a handwritten note on it telling me how someone feels about me means a lot more than gifts or flowers. Find what speaks love for you personally, and tell your partner. And then listen to them when they reciprocate!

May your hearts be filled to overflowing, on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year! Long live Love! 

An Interesting Thing about Privilege…

Gender has become one of my favorite subjects. I’ve been partnered with more than one person with fluid or trans or ambiguous gender expression, supported them through finding their truth and figuring out how to live it in the world, and have clients with varying gender expressions. I feel quite solid in my non-binary worldview. Much has been in the news about all the controversy people make over trans people and bathroom usage, tossing around language of predatory behavior and sexualization in the process. I’ve never been one of those. I just figure that people know which door they feel most aligned with going into, and leave it at that. The question smacks of heteronormativity in a big way too, assuming that similarly gendered people don’t objectify or make gestures toward each other. It’s important to me to address bias and assumptions whenever possible, in myself and in others when appropriate.

So, I’ll come right out and name the privilege pieces that I can claim. I’m white, cis-gender, highly educated, lower-middle class, able bodied, neuro-typical. There are other ways in which I’m not privileged. I’m female, queer, polyamorous, kinky, alternatively spiritual, and overweight. I try to remain aware of when my privilege is in effect, and to do what I can to alleviate the imbalance that can create. That said, I had an experience recently that brought my cis-privilege home for me to a new level.

This week I attended the volunteer orientation for the Creating Change conference, put on by the National LGBTQ Task Force, which happens to be in Denver this year. I’ve never been to the conference before, but it looks like a fabulous week full of activism and leadership and exploration into how to build a more equitable and friendly culture for all types of people. They took over a large hotel downtown, and resigned all the bathrooms Gender Neutral. I understand and fully support this, but my reactions to it included a few surprises. Looking at both doors, not sure which one I should use, thinking to myself “What if I pick the ‘wrong’ one, and someone using a urinal is uncomfortable with my being there? What if I need to dispose of menstrual supplies? Is it cool to throw them out in the regular trash? Or do I need to pack them out?” I found myself waiting nearby, half hoping to see someone else enter or leave one of the doors, so I’d better know where I belonged. Then the a-ha hit that this was cis-privilege in action. These kind of questions arise for non-cis people all the time. I got a little delighted by this realization, and dove into my discomfort, and just went into a bathroom.

The experience left me with an increased awareness of the variety of experiences people can have in a world so steeped in binary assumptions, and furthered my desire to be an active ally in the realm of gender expression. Part of being responsible with one’s privilege is learning to use it consciously in the service of those without it. The journey of awareness doesn’t really stop. It deepens and takes on more subtlety in texture and nuance. It’s a fantastic journey to take though! 

Tension of Opposites

(art by Vicki Miller) 

Last Friday morning in Gentle Yoga class, Kristin kept bringing to our minds the idea of opposite forces at play in our bodies, in our asanas. Warm and cool, grounding and floating, stillness and movement. We were encouraged to play with those energies and the flows we could feel between them. It was a great way to feel the effects of what we were doing and expand our awareness of our bodies in the present moment.

It also reminded me right away of one of my favorite Jungian concepts: the transcendent function. It applies in counseling situations when someone is torn between two feelings or choices or situations where neither one feels satisfactory. Jung’s perspective on that was that holding the tension between those opposite forces, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, will allow a third option to arise.  Here's a bit someone else wrote about the subject. The third option is usually something you’ve never imagined, something creative and outside the box. It may be a combination of the two options, or it may be something entirely new. But when it shows up, the tension you’ve been holding and the uncertainty and unsettledness you’ve felt dissolves away and clarity ensues.

As an example, let’s say you’re working in a job that you find fulfilling, and it’s necessary that you maintain income to make financial ends meet. Now add to that picture that you become pregnant. You and your partner are happy to invite a new little person into your family, but as time goes and things progress, you find you have decisions to make. Are you going to stay with your career, that you love but that has become bittersweet now at the thought of leaving your child with other caregivers for so much time? Are you going to quit or resign and stay home to care for your child yourself? Your heart is torn, and your mind is all jumbled with questions and possibilities and what-if scenarios. A choice needs to be made, so you turn to your sources of insight (friends, family, professionals, faith leaders, etc) and try to find something. A classic case of tension of opposites that many have had to face.

Or maybe you’re struggling with coming out to important people in your life about gender identity or sexual orientation. Do you lay yourself out for them, hoping that they’ll love and accept you still with the new awareness of who you are? Or do you stay quiet about what makes you different than they’re used to, and deal with the growing sense of suppressing your Self? Many have faced this tough decision point as well.

The third option that we wait to arise in these situations could be arranging for a job to include some days working from home via computer, a shift to a new and creatively expansive position, perhaps coming out to select people first who you know will be supportive and can be allies for the rest of the process, or thinking about whether with life stressors revisiting the question in a month or two would be better. There are endless possibilities that could arise and be the “third option”. The hard part is in relaxing into the tension, breathing, and finding the ease that is available in the situation until that happens. Yoga, meditation, counseling, self-care, journaling, creative outlets are all good ways to ride out the tension. What’s in your toolbox for times like that? 

Use Your Words

This is something kids get told a lot. It's an important skill to learn and get good at. And we're not born with it, not by a long shot. If you're a parent, you're probably used to seeing behaviors that surprise you, don't make sense on the surface, or seem to come out of nowhere. The thing is, in the mind of your child, there's probably a lot going on behind that behavior, and if you can get under the surface, you'll find out what's really going on.

Sometimes emotions are really hard to put words to. They get messy and complicated, and even adults with good emotional intelligence and a way with words can have a hard time expressing them clearly so that someone can understand them. The clues are there, if you look for them and pay attention. In a session with a client, I will often ask them to tell me how their body is feeling as they talk about something that's going on for them. We will talk about feelings in descriptive language, picturesque metaphors, and give it a name or identity outside of themselves. We try on emotion words for suitability and experiment to find something that resonates.

When it's a child, sometimes they haven't learned the words for what they're feeling yet, so they use their behavior to express what their words can't. It's part of being the adult to help them learn the words they need. When they feel heard and understood, the behaviors don't have to be so strong anymore. We watch them, use our empathy, and test the waters of their emotions with them. Sometimes we have to get creative about how we describe an emotion. I remember well when my kiddo needed to learn what "embarrassed" was about. I got the feeling she was at the age where that particular emotion was surfacing, and tried to describe it as something like "you feel bad inside, like someone is picking on you and you want to hide, or you did something wrong and people are looking at you and not liking you." These days, she uses that word often, sometimes seemingly inaccurately, but still, she feels empowered around that emotion. The nuances of meaning can come with time.

It's entirely normal to feel jumbled up, like you've got a big wad of tangled up feelings in your lap and you don't know where to start untangling and expressing them. It's a process, to be sure. And if you find it's too big a mess, then ask for help. There's nothing wrong with that either. Human beings are complex, convoluted packages of mostly water. We are fluid and ever-evolving. But we are beautiful in our messes too.